Transition from Play to Big School...How can you support your child?

Starting school can be an emotional experience for both children and parents, below are some tips and guidelines as to how you can make this transition smoother for all involved.

It is important to remember that change/transition is a process for any of us, the difference with very young children is that it will be challenging for them to 'articulate' this challenge and they will have to show their handling of this process in the way they knows best i.e. behaviourally.

How they will adapt to the change is dependent on their personality, temperament and how they understand what is happening.  Common behaviours that are notable but not necessarily a cause for concern in this context might include; clingy, moody, angry, anxious, withdrawn/less sociable behaviours.  Parents should expect to see some of this as they start Big School but you should also expect these to disappear again as they adjust, if they linger beyond a few weeks (4-6 weeks or so) then you may need to specifically address the struggle with and for them.  Some children regress at times of change to behaviours that they displayed when younger and again this is quite normal while they are adapting to the change and should disappear.  During this time offer lots of extra hugs and cuddles and encouragement to help them negotiate through it.

Practically, do what you can to be as available as possible to your child during this transition i.e. 

-Try to be available to them the first week if you can take it off work so that you are close by if they are really struggling.  

-Talk about the change in the most appropriate way for your child, for example you can do regular drives past the new school and point it out and name it as "Susie's (your child's name) school" so they form an association. 

-Talk about it at home "We saw Susie's new school today, there are lots of children and fun toys in Susie's new school" etc.  

-Mark the change by buying them a new back-pack, new shoes, uniform or something and name them as "Susie's school shoes/bag/lunch box/pencil case" and involve your child in this process by designing a Shopping list that they are in charge of and can tick off items as they select them with you, it is very important that they are part of choosing these items.  

-It can be helpful with some children to make a story board of the new daily routine that you can hang up in their room or in the kitchen, for example, use photos or draw or cut out pictures of 1. Susie in bed 2. Susie waking up 3. Susie in Bathroom brushing teeth or getting dressed 4. Eating breakfast 5. In the car 6. A picture of the school 7. Children sitting together at a table like in school 8. Coming home (a picture of someone collecting Susie.  This can help to get your child used to the various steps in the day by visualising what will happen.

And very importantly, parents must stay super positive about school as a great place and that he/she will have lots of fun there so your child can mirror your emotions and behaviours about it.

These guidelines may be of help but of course each child will react to this period of change in their own way.  It is very 'normal' for a child who has had disruption to their transitions in infancy (children who are adopted, fostered, have spent significant time in hospital, had some kind of trauma in their early life) to experience any aspect of change as particularly challenging and they may need some extra support at this time from their parents and possibly a child psychotherapist.  In any case, stay positive but roll with it as it happens!

Some children will run in the door of the school and never look back at you and will embrace this change on their own.  Others will cry and cling to their Mums/Dad's for the first days.  If your child is upset, bend down to their eye level and taking their hands in yours acknowledge their feelings "I know that you are feeling scared and you are wondering what it will be like so I can promise you that it will be great when you get inside and meet all the other children and your teacher and I will be thinking about you at home and when I come back to collect you in a while you can tell me all about it!"

This will be the first of many changes in your child's life and they will need your support through each of them.  It is important to consider how this is also a big change for parents who may experience their "baby" starting school as them growing up and beginning to pull away from them.  This is a hard time for parents as well, sometimes it's parents who are crying at the school gate and not the children, so I would also encourage you to make a plan to mind yourself through this change.  Make a plan to meet friends after dropping your child off at school that first day and have a nice lunch.  Remind yourself that your child starting school is a positive reflection on all you have done to get them to this stage.  Try to remain positive for your child because they still very much need you to help them negotiate throughout this period of change, they take their lead from you and will mirror how you feel about it but ensure you have your own support network available to you in these early days.  

School is a huge part of every child's life and they will grow up and experience many more changes while at school.  It is very helpful to have a routine at home around school to help your child regulate themselves not only in the initial period of transition but throughout.  Try to keep the morning times as calm as possible by planning ahead i.e. lay the breakfast table the night before and prepare school lunches in advance so that things are less hectic.  Make sure that you have time at the end of the day to sit and talk and listen to your child's experience of their day, family dinner time is very important for everyone to share their highs and lows of the day and to debrief how they are feeling.

We support lots of children who struggle with this period of transition.  For more information contact us on 01-6976568 or email info@solamh.com see www.solamh.com for more information

HELP - My Child wants to be more Independent!

It's that conflict between wanting our children to be more independent and being terrified at the first sign of it's assertion...how to strike a balance between giving our children the opportunity to assert themselves and grow as and into, independent beings while maintaining parental control at the same time!

News reports such as this one http://fxn.ws/quj0Aq about the tragic case of an 8 year old boy who was snatched, murdered and dismembered while walking a short distance home can consume us with fear and cause parents to tighten their grip on their own children instinctively.  However, children will still push and challenge their parents to be allowed to do more and go places without supervision because these news stories will not have the same impact on them.

An essential part of growing up is to test and push parental boundaries and to (gradually) gain more and more independence so that we can become independent and self sufficient adults.  This is increasingly becoming an era of parents micro-managing their children's lives and parents (and children) have now become accustomed to meeting all of their children's needs for them.  This is really about finding a balance between allowing children to do things for themselves and providing the necessary support and guidance to ensure they make good and safe choices.

As your child begins to demand more independence and to pull away from you a little, this is the perfect time to teach them responsibility...independence and responsibility go hand in hand and the more responsible your children can show you they have become the easier it is for you to relax and support their independence.  Children begin to demand independence from a very young age, there is no one more willful in this regard than a 2 year old child asserting "I do myself" and this is wonderful, it is your child's job to pull against you and demand this freedom and your job as a parent to drip feed them the independence in a staged, age and developmentally appropriate way ensuring you are preparing them adequately along the way.

Encouraging your child to do the things they can do for themselves is one step i.e. smaller children need a lot of assistance from adults to reach things and get things for them, so when it is something your child can get for themselves encourage them to do so, be it getting a cup from the counter, the cheese from the fridge or a book from a low shelf.  Praise their efforts when they do so.  Similarly, it is always advisable to encourage your children to problem solve from a very young age as this facilitates confidence and independent thinking.  When your child is struggling with something and asks you to do it or fix it or answer it for them, stop and encourage them to think of a way that they can work this out themselves, depending on age suggest they write a pros & cons list or draw a picture of the choices they have and see which one they think is best for them.  Children should be encouraged to make decisions from a young age from which outfit or shoes to wear, to chicken or fish for dinner, to choosing which story book they want before bed.

The balance here is between choices and consequences...anticipate the inevitable "you're not the boss of me" stand off by preparing your response in a calm manner, you might reply "You are correct, you are the boss of you and you get to choose how you behave but I am the boss of what happens when you choose to behave well or to misbehave.  So you can choose what to do and I will choose the consequence".  This is double edged in that you are allowing and encouraging independence while holding the parental boundary that all choices have consequences.

If you can make choices, decision making and a gradual independence a part of your child's upbringing they will be better prepared to manage and keep themselves safe when they are independent.  This is a normal part of your child's journey to adulthood, children must get to try out new things and take risks...with your guidance and support.  You are the expert on your child and nobody knows your child better than you do so trust your instinct and if you believe that your child is ready to walk to the shop or to a friends house on their own then you can allow this, give them a time to be back by or an instruction to call when they have arrived safely to reassure yourself if this helps.

Teenagers and the now named Tweenage group of 11/12 years onwards will push you to give them more and more freedom and again this is normal.  If you are not happy to give as much independence as they are seeking try a compromise as opposed to a "no".  If your 12 year old wants to go into the city centre shopping with her friends alone and you don't believe this is appropriate suggest you drive her and her friends to a shopping centre where they can have an hour to walk around the shops before meeting you at a cafe for lunch.  This tells your child that you trust them to shop alone but are holding the boundary on how much time and where this happens.  Children must be allowed to make mistakes, it helps them to learn and make more informed decisions as well as continuing to shape the brains development.  Trust in the job you have done in raising your children, if you have had clear and consistent family rules at home while your child was growing up they will know what is expected of them and behave accordingly.  If they mess up, there should be a consequence and then let it go so that they can do better next time.

Sometimes it's best to be honest with your child "I know you think I'm over-protective and mean for not allowing you to do this but it is my job to keep you safe and I take this very seriously because I love you.  I want to compromise with you so instead of you going to the cinema alone why don't you invite your friends over here for DVD's and take-out on Friday night"...and perhaps if appropriate "We/I will be out for an hour so you will have some time for yourselves before we get back".  This is all about striking a balance and reassuring your child that you do trust and love them, in fact this is why it is difficult for you to let go!  This is a learning curve for both you and your child, it is trial and error so expect some teething problems and mistakes...learn from them and move on, don't hang onto the mistakes your child makes and keep waving them at them in the future, "remember you did this three months ago well that's why you can't go now!" is not helpful and will limit your child's development.

Essentially, independence is a process that starts in young childhood and continues into young adulthood and beyond.  Create as many safe and controlled opportunities for your child to develop their sense of independence as you can from a young age and gradually increase these as they get older and more responsible.  It can be hard as a parent to accept that your child is growing up and pulling away from you, reflect on how much of your reluctance to give more independence is down to your child and how much is down to your own anxiety.

Remember your child should want to be independent, you should find this a challenge at times, you should both be open to taking (controlled) risks at this time...it may be a cause for concern if your child refuses to separate or become independent from you.

If this is a big issue and difficult for you to manage, seek support and/or counselling from a professional who can assist you in processing and negotiating through this.

You can find out more about our work on www.solamh.com or by calling 01-6976568

Discipline...to punish or to teach!?

The question of discipline, what it is, what the purpose of it is, what the best methods are etc is something I am frequently asked about and my answer is always the same: Discipline is about teaching not punishing and not coercing...and it must be consistent and logical!


When I say that discipline is not about punishment, it may be appropriate that punishment be a part of the discipline in which case it should quickly/immediately follow the misbehaviour and be brief and respectful of your child's feelings and stage of development and it is very important to reconnect with your child in a positive way soon afterwards.  However, the main purpose of discipline should always be to teach your child a lesson and not just to punish the misbehaviour!  If you take this approach then you should ask yourself "what am I teaching my child in this discipline", be it time out, grounding or losing privileges or something else.  Be clear about the message you are teaching and ensure your discipline measure fits this agenda.

Assess your child's ability to self discipline before deciding on the discipline measure as this will help you to understand your child's developmental level and where the misbehaviour fits so that you can respond appropriately.  A child under 2 years of age will show a lack of boundaries and will require consistent and repeated reminding of what is appropriate and what is not, consistency is vital here.  Of course, sometimes an older child will also display a lack of boundaries and act out so you must decide whether your child knows if there is a boundary and has crossed it on purpose, you will need to bring the child back and reaffirm the boundary, they are testing your limits.  Perhaps your child knows that there is a boundary and cheekily smiles while they break the rules/boundary; the message here is that they need you to step in and hold the boundary without getting angry at them.  This may look like defiant behaviour but it is not, your child is displaying a need and a sense of inner turmoil in that they know they are breaking a rule and want you to see them do it.  Try to proactively deal with this one in terms of stopping and saying "It makes me so happy when you show me and everyone else what a great friend you are when you play nicely with other children" and give them a high five and do this before you take them into a birthday party where you know they have a tendency to get over stimulated and act out, fighting with other children.

Communicating clear and consistent boundaries takes away uncertainty for your child, an indecisive and ambivalent approach to discipline by adults is obvious to a child and they cannot learn what is expected of them in terms of behaviour.  If your boundaries are consistent and developmentally appropriate for your child with a focus on teaching as opposed to punishing, your child will begin to develop an internal system of self discipline, which allows them to develop the capacity to shape and manage their own behaviour including making good and positive decisions.

We all know that if you enter into a battle of wills with a small child, you will lose and as such you must lean to pick your battles based on the environment you find yourself in and save serious discipline for serious transgressions...don't sweat the small stuff.  If your child starts to throw a temper tantrum because they cannot have sweets in the supermarket and they begin to screech and howl you have two options; one is to abandon your trolley and leave the supermarket to deal with the situation OR try to distract your child by giving them a job to do such as "can you try to find me where the baked beans are on this aisle and bring me 2 tins please" and so on so that your child is part of the shopping exercise and not getting bored and therefore acting out.  In the future you can plan ahead for this by designing a special shopping list with items for your child to be in charge of getting for you and they get a pencil to tick them off as they are done.  The supermarket is not the time or place for consistent discipline so you must creatively plan around such moments where you can.

I also recommend the Choices and Consequences model for discipline.  We all know the "You're not the boss of me" stand off so here's a suggestion, try saying "you're right, I'm not the boss of what you choose to do but I am the boss of what happens when you do it!  You can choose to behave nicely like I know you can and I decide that you get a high five for that OR you can choose to break the rules and behave badly and I will decide that you cannot use your computer game this afternoon, but you're in charge of what you do so it's up to you!"  This teaches your child that ultimately they have control over their own behaviour but that you will make sure that the boundary is consistent, which is reassuring in itself.

I would like to mention a little about children who are emotionally injured such as adopted and/or fostered children and children living in residential care environments because there are some different considerations in disciplining this group of children.  Children from emotionally disrupted backgrounds are often coming into your family from a place that may have had dramatically different standards of what was acceptable behaviours as well as a different standard as to what constituted discipline.  Children with this type of background may also have a delay in their ability to control impulse behaviours and a low frustration tolerance and these must be factored into any discipline measures.

Remember, a child who needs attention will get it even if it is with negative behaviour, there is a secondary gain in the attention and the intensity of emotions surrounding discipline and punishment.  Discipline, especially with a focus on punishment delivered with anger or disapproval can effect the child's basic sense of security and parent constancy...even after a lengthy time with their new family children from these backgrounds may have a reduced sense of parent constancy (this is where a child believes that their parent(s) still love them no matter what has happened).  It is of vital importance that after correcting the misbehaviour that you reconnect positively with your child "I don't like this behaviour but I will always love you no matter what you do.  It makes me really happy when you behave well and show us your listening/playful/happy part", here you have named the behaviour and not the child as the cause of anger and assured them you still love them and left them with a positive message of what they can choose to do differently to get a different response.

When a child is in a heightened state of anxiety/anger and is aroused by fear or anxiety you cannot reach them with words, they cannot receive cognitive information at these times so when you find yourself exasperated and yelling "Did you hear what I said?" the answer is NO because they cannot hear you while in that hyper aroused state.  You must find a way to de-escalate the behaviour and allow your child to calm down before trying to reason with them around the behaviour.  Try to avoid asking things like "Why did you do that?" because they won't be able to explain it to you as they often will not understand it themselves, try instead "I think you kicked the table over because you were feeling upset about....I'm glad you could show me how you were feeling but I want to help you find a way to show your feelings that won't hurt you or anybody else."  And you might try something like the Balloon Technique that I use a lot in my clinic.

The Balloon Technique: Invite your child to write or draw the thing that is causing them upset/anxiety and then they can roll it up and push it inside a deflated balloon.  You help them to blow up the balloon that now contains the thing they are so angry/upset about and tie a knot.  On a windy day go outside with them and let them release the balloon and their feeling so that they let it go and it flies away.  If it's not windy they can still go outside with you and while thinking of the thing they put inside the balloon they can burst it with a pin so that the feeling 'explodes' and is released (just remember to go back and pick up the paper and burst balloon so nobody else sees it).  This is just one example but there are lots of variations and similar techniques that can offer your child alternative ways to express how they feel.  All feelings are normal to have, it's what we do with them that we want to work on.

In summary, when it comes to discipline:

• Be aware of your child's developmental stage and ensure your discipline is age and developmentally appropriate
• Make consequences logical - they must be able to understand i.e. a child who breaks their toys in temper sees those toys go into the bin and they are not replaced with new ones because the consequence of breaking your toys is that they are gone and cannot be played with anymore.
• When possible, make the consequences funny and surprising i.e. when your children are fighting with each other, separate them and tell them they have to each make the other a card showing/telling 3 things they really like about their sibling and then give it to each other while explaining what they wrote/drew.  This teaches them what they have in common and brings the focus onto what they like about each other as opposed to what they were fighting over.  Similarly if your children are arguing over the TV/Computer game/Toys give them the task of designing a rota for who gets to choose what they do or who has a turn at what time so they are in charge of the problem and of finding a solution.
• Shine the spotlight on the positive behaviours rather than the negative, give greater intensity to naming and celebrating what your child does right instead of what they do wrong
• Be consistent, if you threaten a consequence you MUST follow through on it so ensure you are happy to do so before you threaten it.
• Give choices where possible as it makes children feel powerful and teaches them decision making skills i.e. You are coming outside to play so would you like to bring your ball or your tennis rackets with you.
• Discipline should 'teach' and shape behaviours that you would like to see in the future and not focus on what has gone wrong in the past, for example practice the correct behaviour straight away by offering a "Do-Over' where the child has the option to correct what they did straight away and be praised for that behaviour instead of punished for the misbehaviour.  "Oops, you forgot to say please when you asked for that snack, try a do-over" and when they ask again saying please, compliment them "that was great, it makes me very happy when you remember to say please and here is your snack".
• Use "I" instead of "you" when reflecting on the misbehaviour e.g. "I was angry when you threw your toy across the room at your sister.  I hope that you can make a better choice the next time, I know you can play with your sister by sharing your toys with her and I feel so happy when you show me that".  "You were naughty when you threw your toy" is blaming and doesn't teach the correction.

Plan and prepare your discipline strategies ahead of time; learn to spot triggers and plan creatively around such events ahead of time to avoid the misbehaviour.  Use as much positive language as you can "three strikes and you're out" is negative enforcement whereas "you can do this differently" "I believe that you know what to do here" "I think you forgot how to behave properly, would you like a do-over?" are all positive focused.  The aim of discipline is to teach and model for your child how they can internalise the boundaries you have put and held in place, because when boundaries are internalised children feel safe and secure and know that they can protect and control themselves!

Consistent and logical discipline is essential in teaching your child this self control.  Ultimately the purpose of discipline is to teach your child to control themselves in a variety of environments and circumstances.  Take the time to reflect on and develop discipline strategies that work for you and your family.

Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic offers therapeutic support to children and families around a variety of behavioural and emotional challenges and you can read more on www.solamh.com or calling us on 01-6976568

Beauty Salons for children...child's play or premature sexualisation!?

The Independent carries a story today about a Beauty Salon in Essex UK that is specifically for the Under 13 year old market and there has been quite a reaction to it so far http://ind.pn/kDNaqH

Now I'm going to be very clear on my position on this one...I do NOT approve of bringing young children to a Beauty Salon to have Manicure/Pedicures/Facials/Spray Tans or any other beauty treatment (for an extra cost this salon will also provide your child with a photographer to follow them around...so is fame now also an entitlement that is closely alligned with beauty and nothing to do with achievement!?!?!).

I've heard both sides of the arguments about how it's just child's play and children play Mummy's and Daddy's and other adult roles involving hair and make-up all the time, that it is good for them.  Yes this is true and this is good for them, however, a child role playing the roles they see their parents doing and using their imaginations to enact the experience as they see and understand it is quite separate to the experience of being brought to a salon where a professional is attending to their grooming as though they actually were adults...this is not a subtle difference, this is in fact a screamingly obvious difference!

Children are growing up in an increasingly image obsessed society where the onus is on how you look as opposed to what you do.  Parents should be focused on empowering their children to feel beautiful from the inside and to behave and act in a beautiful way towards themselves and others...this is enough "beauty" for any child to be concerned with.  Beauty Salons are an adult experience and we should not tolerate attempts to force our children to lose their already too short and too precious childhoods.

I fully accept (& have witnessed) how little girls and boys are fascinated with watching their mothers engage in their beauty regime, apply make-up, paint their nails.  This should not be confused with a fascination with beauty and make-up alone, this is a child's fascination with watching their Mother's and idealising their Mother's routines...this fascination is as much about the child's preoccupation with their Mum's as it is about any preoccupation with Make-Up.  To introduce your child to a salon of this kind at such a young age is to expose and immerse them in an adult world at a premature stage, it takes away any aspect of creativity and imagination that is fundamental to this kind of role play and Role Play is an essential stage of any child's Developmental Play experience.

NOTE: See my Blog on the 3 Stages of Developmental Play - EPR

All children,not just little girls, need to engage in fantasy and role play, they must be allowed to use their imaginations to express how they are experiencing their world and the people in their world, this is fundamental to their growth and development.

So, it's a yes to dressing up in Mum's high heels and dressing gown while role playing being an adult and it is a very big NO to eliminating imagination and actually having your child experience life as an adult prematurely.  Parents must trust their own instincts on this and not allow the normalisation of such practices in society to make us feel like prudes when we tell our children that they are too young for a Manicure!

You can find out more about Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and the work we do on www.solamh.com

Children's Nightmares - how to address them

Nightmares and/or recurring bad dreams can be a traumatic experience for a child and will effect their sleep pattern and routine.  Your child may be reluctant to go to bed, say they're not tired, wake themselves up in the early hours and need reassurance during the night.  So here is a tried and tested technique to address children's nightmares or bad dreams that ALWAYS works!

The key to this technique is that you must be supremely confident in it working and be able to sell that in how you present it to your child for it to be effective...so remember, this ALWAYS works!

If your child experiences a nightmare or recurring bad dreams, set aside a block of time the next day to sit with them. Ensure that you have uninterrupted time, even 30 minutes to give this your full attention.  You will need; paper (2 sheets), markers or crayons/pencils.

• Sit down with your child and tell them that you know a way of stopping bad dreams that ALWAYS works.  
• Invite them to think about the bad dream and to draw the bit of the dream that scares them most.  Reflect on what you see in this drawing without projecting your own thoughts, in other words "I see this Black bit here, I wonder what that is" 
• NOTE: The use of "wondering" can facilitate your child to go deeper into the dream but doesn't put pressure on them if they don't want to, in the way direct questions can put pressure on them to produce an answer.  
• Tell them that dreams are exactly like movies and that they are the director of their dream so can decide to yell "cut" and change the scene.  
• Now, have them look at the scary drawing, yell "cut" and now invite them to think about how they would like the dream to go, what would they like to happen instead of this scary bit that would make it a happier dream.  Have them visualise the happier change, what does it look like, how does it feel etc
• When your child has the new 'scene' in mind, have them draw this new scene for the dream.  Again, reflect on what you see, use "wondering" to encourage them to talk about this happier scene.  
• Once done, tell your child that they can tear up the scary part and throw it away and go with them as they bring the new happy dream scene into their bedroom and they can either pin it to the wall by their bed so that they see it every night or place it under their pillow, whichever they prefer.  
• Again, reiterate that this ALWAYS works so the bad dream won't come back again.

By sounding supremely confident you validate this technique as working and empower your child to control the dream.  The dream itself is important, it is your child's way of unconsciously processing thoughts during the night so it is equally important that you spend some time during this process reflecting and wondering with them about the bad or scary parts of the dream, this enables them to put words and feelings onto what is happening and to bring it from their unconscious to their conscious thinking, they can thereby process it and let it go.  The happier drawing empowers them to change the dream and take control of it and change the ending, ultimately reaffirming that when something is scary, they can 'discuss' it with you, think about it, talk about changing the scary thing and then let it go of it.  It also allows you and your child to enjoy a restful sleep again.

This technique doesn't mean your child will never have another bad dream but it can be used again and again where necessary.  It is particularly effective where a child is experiencing a recurring dream.  If there is a pattern of recurring and/or frequent bad dreams it may indicate an underlying anxiety, in which case you might want to consider seeking professional advice/support from a child psychotherapist/play therapist /psychologist.  For further information about this or other child development/behavioural challenges contact Solamh -Parent Child Relationship Clinic on 01-6976568 www.solamh.com

Three Stages of Play - EPR

Children develop through play, it is how they learn to form and develop relationships with their environment and people in their environment, it is how they learn about who they are in themselves.  There are three core stages in Developmental Play and these are commonly referred to as EPR or Embodiment Play, Projective Play and Role Play, which occur in a particular sequence and each is of particular value to a child's development in that they cannot proceed to the next stage without having fully negotiated the first one.

Embodiment Play is essential to developing a sense of trust and is the first of these stages in Developmental Play...babies learn to trust in a physical way, not through words.  If babies needs are met in the first years they are in a strong position going forward, it is much more difficult to develop a sense of trust later on than it is to reconnect again with their earlier sense of trust.

In essence this Embodiment Stage of Play is about learning and integrating that sense of having a body and having skin.  The young child learns "I have a body; This is what my body can do; This is where my body ends".  It is essential that children learn to develop this sense of self as opposed to understanding themselves with/through others.  This stage of play centers around a sensory exploration by the infant of their environment and those in it!

Where there have been gaps in the early attachment cycle and/or these stages of developmental play have not been negotiated we may see a child coping at a projective level of play but the healing will involve a return to where the need is.  In therapy, a traumatised/attachment disordered child will begin to heal and return to the 'nesting' or Embodiment Level to re-negotiate through this stage in a healthier way that allows them to progress onto the next stage because we need to have this sense of self and trust in order to progress onwards.

Projective Play is the next stage and follows on from the stage of Embodiment Play.  This stage involves an increased focus on stories and narrations to further explore and investigate objects, people and their general environment at a deeper level.

We must hold in mind the fact that children have less external influences as their life experience is more limited, therefore what they 'tell' us is very likely to be something that is still very active in their lives.  During the Embodiment stage the child is learning how to find a way to contain their emotions, how to read cues and then to realise that that emotions are their feelings but are not THEM!  Without developing this sense of self they are less likely to be able to negotiate into and through Projective Play, i.e. they are not ready to read their feelings!

Note: We cannot be held responsible for how we feel BUT we do need to find and be responsible for finding a way to express how we feel that does not hurt ourselves or others...it is very important that children are given and understand this message

What has been introjected before, in the previous stage, is now what is projected by the child in their behaviours.  Where there are difficulties a qualified therapist will work to give the child a new introject that they can incorporate into their projected play.

Dramatic play, whereby the child uses play to re-structure and/or re-arrange aspects of their life events to gain a better understanding of themselves and their world occurs in the final stage of Developmental Play, Role Play Stage.

There will be aspects of the first stage of embodiment play evident in both Projective and Role Play stages.  The therapist working with the child must be adequately trained and skilled to spot these signs and measure where the child is at developmentally and where the gaps are.  It is very normal for all children to temporarily regress to this first stage or employ aspects of sensory and embodiment play during the later stages, we should not pathologise everything the child does and this is why it is very important to understand what is 'normal' and what may indicate a  developmental or attachment delay/gap.  Where gaps exist and where there is evidence of a developmental delay the therapist will use specific play based interventions aimed at supporting developmental growth and returning the child to their normal and healthy developmental path.

Children presenting with attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder, ADD/ADHD, Autism, Aspergers, Personality Disorder etc will all experience a deficit in this developmental functioning as a result of the limit their condition imposes.  The therapeutic goal with these children, who are often coming to the attention of services and professionals because they are acting out in a variety of challenging behaviours or displaying emotional and/or social impairments, is always to assist the child back to the highest possible level of developmental functioning, sometimes this will be to the highest level of functioning possible given their existing limitations as opposed to what is considered age appropriate for them.

If a child has not been able to negotiate the embodiment and projective play stages they will be incapable of empathy.  It is important that this is addressed appropriately to allow the child to heal, grow and develop into a healthy and rounded individual.

In my work and in addition to the above, I am using play to observe the child and ascertain where they are at now, to develop a means of communicating and connecting with the child and to enable the child to express how they are feeling.  Play, in the therapeutic setting, is a means for the child to gain and express mastery of themselves, their world and their experiences.  The concept of "Repetition Compulsion" is always running concurrently, seen in the child's tendency to repeat the same play over and over again or the same themes, and this compulsion is an attempt to gain control over their internal world again, particularly if something traumatic has happened in their lives.  Play is a means of connecting with the healthy parts of the child and enables the therapist to develop a positive therapeutic alliance that in turn allows trust to develop and the work of processing and repairing to begin. This is always at the core of our work in Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and guides and informs our treatment plans.

You can read more about our work on www.solamh.com or call us on 01-6976568 for further information about the work we do

Therapeutic Play - Play Therapy - Theraplay, which one is best for your child

A child going into therapy is not a judgement or a statement against the parent(s), it does not mean that the parent(s) have failed.  A parent cannot be a therapist for their child because the role of parent is so important in itself so the best thing you can do for your child is bring them to a trained and accredited Psychotherapist and/or Play Therapist.

As a Clinical Psychotherapist and Play Therapist I am almost a non-person within the therapy as the child will work best when they can see themselves reflected in both me and the environment.  I can have only one primary client in the play therapy relationship, the child and the parent(s) are a secondary client.  This is not to say that a parent won't be involved in or a part of their child's therapeutic process, this would be both unrealistic and unhelpful to the child...remember the child is with me for 1 hour a week but with their parents for the remainder of the time and the best outcomes occur for children who have parents who are supporting the therapy at home.  To all parents I say, YOU are the expert on your children.  When issues arise for the parents the Play Therapist can meet with you and offer some cognitive advice and support while referring you to a therapist of your own with whom you can fully work through these issues.  I would always meet with the parent(s) first to ascertain the level of support for the therapeutic process but also to gather background information on the child, the family and the history of the issue precipitating the referral to therapy.

Parents will often ask if they are over reacting and would therapy perhaps do more harm than good if it's not warranted.  Firstly, a good clinical psychotherapist will conduct a thorough assessment for therapy with your child after which they will meet with you to advise what, if any, treatment is recommended.  If your child does not require therapy at this time you will be told that.  In terms of play therapy specifically it is worth noting that in any case the provision of play does not have to be about a problem, all children can benefit from the provision of 'Therapeutic Play'...Play Therapy is different because there will always be pre-therapy considerations before commencing Play Therapy.


Note: Play Therapy vs Therapeutic Play: In Play Therapy (relationship based intervention) the focus is on the therapy itself whereas in Therapeutic Play (activity based intervention) the focus is solely on the play.

For a child the 'doing' of the play can be enough without using words or verbalising what is going on.  It doesn't have to happen at a cognitive level, indeed much of this work is at an unconscious level.  If you are employing play therapy as a means of preparing the child for a future event you would use words and/or name what is going on but if using Play Therapy as a means of processing a past event you would not necessarily use words.

Note: In expressing themselves children experience themselves; the therapist must create an expressive atmosphere.  The therapist enables the child  to become reassured but does not reassure them

Theraplay uses elements of play therapy but is focused on working with both parent(s) and child together to build/repair attachment wounds in the relationship, it is therefore attachment based (play) therapy.  Another way Theraplay is different from Play Therapy is that the Therapist and the parent(s)/Care-Giver are the play objects in the room, they are the most enticing things in the room for the child and while you will have play and creative materials available, these materials do not in themselves mediate the development of feelings.  Another explicit difference between Theraplay and Play Therapy is that the therapist will direct the parent in the activities, direct them to notice the child's expressions and behaviours, to engage in a particular way, to engage in touch/contact that is nurturing without being over stimulating.  Parents will also be advised of a number of activities they can employ at home in between sessions.

It is always very difficult to quantify the duration of therapy because it is absolutely dependent on the child and particular situation but in general we can expect to see a positive change in behaviours over the course of 12-14 weekly play therapy sessions.  With Theraplay the average intervention is 24 weekly sessions with one session per quarter in the year following treatment.  Again these are average guidelines and may differ from one individual to the next.

For more information on any of the above you can contact me on +353 (0)1 6976568 or joanna.fortune@solamh.com See www.solamh.com for more information about our work