It's that conflict between wanting our children to be more independent and being terrified at the first sign of it's assertion...how to strike a balance between giving our children the opportunity to assert themselves and grow as and into, independent beings while maintaining parental control at the same time!
News reports such as this one http://fxn.ws/quj0Aq about the tragic case of an 8 year old boy who was snatched, murdered and dismembered while walking a short distance home can consume us with fear and cause parents to tighten their grip on their own children instinctively. However, children will still push and challenge their parents to be allowed to do more and go places without supervision because these news stories will not have the same impact on them.
An essential part of growing up is to test and push parental boundaries and to (gradually) gain more and more independence so that we can become independent and self sufficient adults. This is increasingly becoming an era of parents micro-managing their children's lives and parents (and children) have now become accustomed to meeting all of their children's needs for them. This is really about finding a balance between allowing children to do things for themselves and providing the necessary support and guidance to ensure they make good and safe choices.
As your child begins to demand more independence and to pull away from you a little, this is the perfect time to teach them responsibility...independence and responsibility go hand in hand and the more responsible your children can show you they have become the easier it is for you to relax and support their independence. Children begin to demand independence from a very young age, there is no one more willful in this regard than a 2 year old child asserting "I do myself" and this is wonderful, it is your child's job to pull against you and demand this freedom and your job as a parent to drip feed them the independence in a staged, age and developmentally appropriate way ensuring you are preparing them adequately along the way.
Encouraging your child to do the things they can do for themselves is one step i.e. smaller children need a lot of assistance from adults to reach things and get things for them, so when it is something your child can get for themselves encourage them to do so, be it getting a cup from the counter, the cheese from the fridge or a book from a low shelf. Praise their efforts when they do so. Similarly, it is always advisable to encourage your children to problem solve from a very young age as this facilitates confidence and independent thinking. When your child is struggling with something and asks you to do it or fix it or answer it for them, stop and encourage them to think of a way that they can work this out themselves, depending on age suggest they write a pros & cons list or draw a picture of the choices they have and see which one they think is best for them. Children should be encouraged to make decisions from a young age from which outfit or shoes to wear, to chicken or fish for dinner, to choosing which story book they want before bed.
The balance here is between choices and consequences...anticipate the inevitable "you're not the boss of me" stand off by preparing your response in a calm manner, you might reply "You are correct, you are the boss of you and you get to choose how you behave but I am the boss of what happens when you choose to behave well or to misbehave. So you can choose what to do and I will choose the consequence". This is double edged in that you are allowing and encouraging independence while holding the parental boundary that all choices have consequences.
If you can make choices, decision making and a gradual independence a part of your child's upbringing they will be better prepared to manage and keep themselves safe when they are independent. This is a normal part of your child's journey to adulthood, children must get to try out new things and take risks...with your guidance and support. You are the expert on your child and nobody knows your child better than you do so trust your instinct and if you believe that your child is ready to walk to the shop or to a friends house on their own then you can allow this, give them a time to be back by or an instruction to call when they have arrived safely to reassure yourself if this helps.
Teenagers and the now named Tweenage group of 11/12 years onwards will push you to give them more and more freedom and again this is normal. If you are not happy to give as much independence as they are seeking try a compromise as opposed to a "no". If your 12 year old wants to go into the city centre shopping with her friends alone and you don't believe this is appropriate suggest you drive her and her friends to a shopping centre where they can have an hour to walk around the shops before meeting you at a cafe for lunch. This tells your child that you trust them to shop alone but are holding the boundary on how much time and where this happens. Children must be allowed to make mistakes, it helps them to learn and make more informed decisions as well as continuing to shape the brains development. Trust in the job you have done in raising your children, if you have had clear and consistent family rules at home while your child was growing up they will know what is expected of them and behave accordingly. If they mess up, there should be a consequence and then let it go so that they can do better next time.
Sometimes it's best to be honest with your child "I know you think I'm over-protective and mean for not allowing you to do this but it is my job to keep you safe and I take this very seriously because I love you. I want to compromise with you so instead of you going to the cinema alone why don't you invite your friends over here for DVD's and take-out on Friday night"...and perhaps if appropriate "We/I will be out for an hour so you will have some time for yourselves before we get back". This is all about striking a balance and reassuring your child that you do trust and love them, in fact this is why it is difficult for you to let go! This is a learning curve for both you and your child, it is trial and error so expect some teething problems and mistakes...learn from them and move on, don't hang onto the mistakes your child makes and keep waving them at them in the future, "remember you did this three months ago well that's why you can't go now!" is not helpful and will limit your child's development.
Essentially, independence is a process that starts in young childhood and continues into young adulthood and beyond. Create as many safe and controlled opportunities for your child to develop their sense of independence as you can from a young age and gradually increase these as they get older and more responsible. It can be hard as a parent to accept that your child is growing up and pulling away from you, reflect on how much of your reluctance to give more independence is down to your child and how much is down to your own anxiety.
Remember your child should want to be independent, you should find this a challenge at times, you should both be open to taking (controlled) risks at this time...it may be a cause for concern if your child refuses to separate or become independent from you.
If this is a big issue and difficult for you to manage, seek support and/or counselling from a professional who can assist you in processing and negotiating through this.
You can find out more about our work on www.solamh.com or by calling 01-6976568
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Monday 18 July 2011
Discipline...to punish or to teach!?
The question of discipline, what it is, what the purpose of it is, what the best methods are etc is something I am frequently asked about and my answer is always the same: Discipline is about teaching not punishing and not coercing...and it must be consistent and logical!
When I say that discipline is not about punishment, it may be appropriate that punishment be a part of the discipline in which case it should quickly/immediately follow the misbehaviour and be brief and respectful of your child's feelings and stage of development and it is very important to reconnect with your child in a positive way soon afterwards. However, the main purpose of discipline should always be to teach your child a lesson and not just to punish the misbehaviour! If you take this approach then you should ask yourself "what am I teaching my child in this discipline", be it time out, grounding or losing privileges or something else. Be clear about the message you are teaching and ensure your discipline measure fits this agenda.
Assess your child's ability to self discipline before deciding on the discipline measure as this will help you to understand your child's developmental level and where the misbehaviour fits so that you can respond appropriately. A child under 2 years of age will show a lack of boundaries and will require consistent and repeated reminding of what is appropriate and what is not, consistency is vital here. Of course, sometimes an older child will also display a lack of boundaries and act out so you must decide whether your child knows if there is a boundary and has crossed it on purpose, you will need to bring the child back and reaffirm the boundary, they are testing your limits. Perhaps your child knows that there is a boundary and cheekily smiles while they break the rules/boundary; the message here is that they need you to step in and hold the boundary without getting angry at them. This may look like defiant behaviour but it is not, your child is displaying a need and a sense of inner turmoil in that they know they are breaking a rule and want you to see them do it. Try to proactively deal with this one in terms of stopping and saying "It makes me so happy when you show me and everyone else what a great friend you are when you play nicely with other children" and give them a high five and do this before you take them into a birthday party where you know they have a tendency to get over stimulated and act out, fighting with other children.
Communicating clear and consistent boundaries takes away uncertainty for your child, an indecisive and ambivalent approach to discipline by adults is obvious to a child and they cannot learn what is expected of them in terms of behaviour. If your boundaries are consistent and developmentally appropriate for your child with a focus on teaching as opposed to punishing, your child will begin to develop an internal system of self discipline, which allows them to develop the capacity to shape and manage their own behaviour including making good and positive decisions.
We all know that if you enter into a battle of wills with a small child, you will lose and as such you must lean to pick your battles based on the environment you find yourself in and save serious discipline for serious transgressions...don't sweat the small stuff. If your child starts to throw a temper tantrum because they cannot have sweets in the supermarket and they begin to screech and howl you have two options; one is to abandon your trolley and leave the supermarket to deal with the situation OR try to distract your child by giving them a job to do such as "can you try to find me where the baked beans are on this aisle and bring me 2 tins please" and so on so that your child is part of the shopping exercise and not getting bored and therefore acting out. In the future you can plan ahead for this by designing a special shopping list with items for your child to be in charge of getting for you and they get a pencil to tick them off as they are done. The supermarket is not the time or place for consistent discipline so you must creatively plan around such moments where you can.
I also recommend the Choices and Consequences model for discipline. We all know the "You're not the boss of me" stand off so here's a suggestion, try saying "you're right, I'm not the boss of what you choose to do but I am the boss of what happens when you do it! You can choose to behave nicely like I know you can and I decide that you get a high five for that OR you can choose to break the rules and behave badly and I will decide that you cannot use your computer game this afternoon, but you're in charge of what you do so it's up to you!" This teaches your child that ultimately they have control over their own behaviour but that you will make sure that the boundary is consistent, which is reassuring in itself.
I would like to mention a little about children who are emotionally injured such as adopted and/or fostered children and children living in residential care environments because there are some different considerations in disciplining this group of children. Children from emotionally disrupted backgrounds are often coming into your family from a place that may have had dramatically different standards of what was acceptable behaviours as well as a different standard as to what constituted discipline. Children with this type of background may also have a delay in their ability to control impulse behaviours and a low frustration tolerance and these must be factored into any discipline measures.
Remember, a child who needs attention will get it even if it is with negative behaviour, there is a secondary gain in the attention and the intensity of emotions surrounding discipline and punishment. Discipline, especially with a focus on punishment delivered with anger or disapproval can effect the child's basic sense of security and parent constancy...even after a lengthy time with their new family children from these backgrounds may have a reduced sense of parent constancy (this is where a child believes that their parent(s) still love them no matter what has happened). It is of vital importance that after correcting the misbehaviour that you reconnect positively with your child "I don't like this behaviour but I will always love you no matter what you do. It makes me really happy when you behave well and show us your listening/playful/happy part", here you have named the behaviour and not the child as the cause of anger and assured them you still love them and left them with a positive message of what they can choose to do differently to get a different response.
When a child is in a heightened state of anxiety/anger and is aroused by fear or anxiety you cannot reach them with words, they cannot receive cognitive information at these times so when you find yourself exasperated and yelling "Did you hear what I said?" the answer is NO because they cannot hear you while in that hyper aroused state. You must find a way to de-escalate the behaviour and allow your child to calm down before trying to reason with them around the behaviour. Try to avoid asking things like "Why did you do that?" because they won't be able to explain it to you as they often will not understand it themselves, try instead "I think you kicked the table over because you were feeling upset about....I'm glad you could show me how you were feeling but I want to help you find a way to show your feelings that won't hurt you or anybody else." And you might try something like the Balloon Technique that I use a lot in my clinic.
The Balloon Technique: Invite your child to write or draw the thing that is causing them upset/anxiety and then they can roll it up and push it inside a deflated balloon. You help them to blow up the balloon that now contains the thing they are so angry/upset about and tie a knot. On a windy day go outside with them and let them release the balloon and their feeling so that they let it go and it flies away. If it's not windy they can still go outside with you and while thinking of the thing they put inside the balloon they can burst it with a pin so that the feeling 'explodes' and is released (just remember to go back and pick up the paper and burst balloon so nobody else sees it). This is just one example but there are lots of variations and similar techniques that can offer your child alternative ways to express how they feel. All feelings are normal to have, it's what we do with them that we want to work on.
In summary, when it comes to discipline:
Plan and prepare your discipline strategies ahead of time; learn to spot triggers and plan creatively around such events ahead of time to avoid the misbehaviour. Use as much positive language as you can "three strikes and you're out" is negative enforcement whereas "you can do this differently" "I believe that you know what to do here" "I think you forgot how to behave properly, would you like a do-over?" are all positive focused. The aim of discipline is to teach and model for your child how they can internalise the boundaries you have put and held in place, because when boundaries are internalised children feel safe and secure and know that they can protect and control themselves!
Consistent and logical discipline is essential in teaching your child this self control. Ultimately the purpose of discipline is to teach your child to control themselves in a variety of environments and circumstances. Take the time to reflect on and develop discipline strategies that work for you and your family.
Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic offers therapeutic support to children and families around a variety of behavioural and emotional challenges and you can read more on www.solamh.com or calling us on 01-6976568
When I say that discipline is not about punishment, it may be appropriate that punishment be a part of the discipline in which case it should quickly/immediately follow the misbehaviour and be brief and respectful of your child's feelings and stage of development and it is very important to reconnect with your child in a positive way soon afterwards. However, the main purpose of discipline should always be to teach your child a lesson and not just to punish the misbehaviour! If you take this approach then you should ask yourself "what am I teaching my child in this discipline", be it time out, grounding or losing privileges or something else. Be clear about the message you are teaching and ensure your discipline measure fits this agenda.
Assess your child's ability to self discipline before deciding on the discipline measure as this will help you to understand your child's developmental level and where the misbehaviour fits so that you can respond appropriately. A child under 2 years of age will show a lack of boundaries and will require consistent and repeated reminding of what is appropriate and what is not, consistency is vital here. Of course, sometimes an older child will also display a lack of boundaries and act out so you must decide whether your child knows if there is a boundary and has crossed it on purpose, you will need to bring the child back and reaffirm the boundary, they are testing your limits. Perhaps your child knows that there is a boundary and cheekily smiles while they break the rules/boundary; the message here is that they need you to step in and hold the boundary without getting angry at them. This may look like defiant behaviour but it is not, your child is displaying a need and a sense of inner turmoil in that they know they are breaking a rule and want you to see them do it. Try to proactively deal with this one in terms of stopping and saying "It makes me so happy when you show me and everyone else what a great friend you are when you play nicely with other children" and give them a high five and do this before you take them into a birthday party where you know they have a tendency to get over stimulated and act out, fighting with other children.
Communicating clear and consistent boundaries takes away uncertainty for your child, an indecisive and ambivalent approach to discipline by adults is obvious to a child and they cannot learn what is expected of them in terms of behaviour. If your boundaries are consistent and developmentally appropriate for your child with a focus on teaching as opposed to punishing, your child will begin to develop an internal system of self discipline, which allows them to develop the capacity to shape and manage their own behaviour including making good and positive decisions.
We all know that if you enter into a battle of wills with a small child, you will lose and as such you must lean to pick your battles based on the environment you find yourself in and save serious discipline for serious transgressions...don't sweat the small stuff. If your child starts to throw a temper tantrum because they cannot have sweets in the supermarket and they begin to screech and howl you have two options; one is to abandon your trolley and leave the supermarket to deal with the situation OR try to distract your child by giving them a job to do such as "can you try to find me where the baked beans are on this aisle and bring me 2 tins please" and so on so that your child is part of the shopping exercise and not getting bored and therefore acting out. In the future you can plan ahead for this by designing a special shopping list with items for your child to be in charge of getting for you and they get a pencil to tick them off as they are done. The supermarket is not the time or place for consistent discipline so you must creatively plan around such moments where you can.
I also recommend the Choices and Consequences model for discipline. We all know the "You're not the boss of me" stand off so here's a suggestion, try saying "you're right, I'm not the boss of what you choose to do but I am the boss of what happens when you do it! You can choose to behave nicely like I know you can and I decide that you get a high five for that OR you can choose to break the rules and behave badly and I will decide that you cannot use your computer game this afternoon, but you're in charge of what you do so it's up to you!" This teaches your child that ultimately they have control over their own behaviour but that you will make sure that the boundary is consistent, which is reassuring in itself.
I would like to mention a little about children who are emotionally injured such as adopted and/or fostered children and children living in residential care environments because there are some different considerations in disciplining this group of children. Children from emotionally disrupted backgrounds are often coming into your family from a place that may have had dramatically different standards of what was acceptable behaviours as well as a different standard as to what constituted discipline. Children with this type of background may also have a delay in their ability to control impulse behaviours and a low frustration tolerance and these must be factored into any discipline measures.
Remember, a child who needs attention will get it even if it is with negative behaviour, there is a secondary gain in the attention and the intensity of emotions surrounding discipline and punishment. Discipline, especially with a focus on punishment delivered with anger or disapproval can effect the child's basic sense of security and parent constancy...even after a lengthy time with their new family children from these backgrounds may have a reduced sense of parent constancy (this is where a child believes that their parent(s) still love them no matter what has happened). It is of vital importance that after correcting the misbehaviour that you reconnect positively with your child "I don't like this behaviour but I will always love you no matter what you do. It makes me really happy when you behave well and show us your listening/playful/happy part", here you have named the behaviour and not the child as the cause of anger and assured them you still love them and left them with a positive message of what they can choose to do differently to get a different response.
When a child is in a heightened state of anxiety/anger and is aroused by fear or anxiety you cannot reach them with words, they cannot receive cognitive information at these times so when you find yourself exasperated and yelling "Did you hear what I said?" the answer is NO because they cannot hear you while in that hyper aroused state. You must find a way to de-escalate the behaviour and allow your child to calm down before trying to reason with them around the behaviour. Try to avoid asking things like "Why did you do that?" because they won't be able to explain it to you as they often will not understand it themselves, try instead "I think you kicked the table over because you were feeling upset about....I'm glad you could show me how you were feeling but I want to help you find a way to show your feelings that won't hurt you or anybody else." And you might try something like the Balloon Technique that I use a lot in my clinic.
The Balloon Technique: Invite your child to write or draw the thing that is causing them upset/anxiety and then they can roll it up and push it inside a deflated balloon. You help them to blow up the balloon that now contains the thing they are so angry/upset about and tie a knot. On a windy day go outside with them and let them release the balloon and their feeling so that they let it go and it flies away. If it's not windy they can still go outside with you and while thinking of the thing they put inside the balloon they can burst it with a pin so that the feeling 'explodes' and is released (just remember to go back and pick up the paper and burst balloon so nobody else sees it). This is just one example but there are lots of variations and similar techniques that can offer your child alternative ways to express how they feel. All feelings are normal to have, it's what we do with them that we want to work on.
In summary, when it comes to discipline:
- Be aware of your child's developmental stage and ensure your discipline is age and developmentally appropriate
- Make consequences logical - they must be able to understand i.e. a child who breaks their toys in temper sees those toys go into the bin and they are not replaced with new ones because the consequence of breaking your toys is that they are gone and cannot be played with anymore.
- When possible, make the consequences funny and surprising i.e. when your children are fighting with each other, separate them and tell them they have to each make the other a card showing/telling 3 things they really like about their sibling and then give it to each other while explaining what they wrote/drew. This teaches them what they have in common and brings the focus onto what they like about each other as opposed to what they were fighting over. Similarly if your children are arguing over the TV/Computer game/Toys give them the task of designing a rota for who gets to choose what they do or who has a turn at what time so they are in charge of the problem and of finding a solution.
- Shine the spotlight on the positive behaviours rather than the negative, give greater intensity to naming and celebrating what your child does right instead of what they do wrong
- Be consistent, if you threaten a consequence you MUST follow through on it so ensure you are happy to do so before you threaten it.
- Give choices where possible as it makes children feel powerful and teaches them decision making skills i.e. You are coming outside to play so would you like to bring your ball or your tennis rackets with you.
- Discipline should 'teach' and shape behaviours that you would like to see in the future and not focus on what has gone wrong in the past, for example practice the correct behaviour straight away by offering a "Do-Over' where the child has the option to correct what they did straight away and be praised for that behaviour instead of punished for the misbehaviour. "Oops, you forgot to say please when you asked for that snack, try a do-over" and when they ask again saying please, compliment them "that was great, it makes me very happy when you remember to say please and here is your snack".
- Use "I" instead of "you" when reflecting on the misbehaviour e.g. "I was angry when you threw your toy across the room at your sister. I hope that you can make a better choice the next time, I know you can play with your sister by sharing your toys with her and I feel so happy when you show me that". "You were naughty when you threw your toy" is blaming and doesn't teach the correction.
Plan and prepare your discipline strategies ahead of time; learn to spot triggers and plan creatively around such events ahead of time to avoid the misbehaviour. Use as much positive language as you can "three strikes and you're out" is negative enforcement whereas "you can do this differently" "I believe that you know what to do here" "I think you forgot how to behave properly, would you like a do-over?" are all positive focused. The aim of discipline is to teach and model for your child how they can internalise the boundaries you have put and held in place, because when boundaries are internalised children feel safe and secure and know that they can protect and control themselves!
Consistent and logical discipline is essential in teaching your child this self control. Ultimately the purpose of discipline is to teach your child to control themselves in a variety of environments and circumstances. Take the time to reflect on and develop discipline strategies that work for you and your family.
Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic offers therapeutic support to children and families around a variety of behavioural and emotional challenges and you can read more on www.solamh.com or calling us on 01-6976568
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