The Independent carries a story today about a Beauty Salon in Essex UK that is specifically for the Under 13 year old market and there has been quite a reaction to it so far http://ind.pn/kDNaqH
Now I'm going to be very clear on my position on this one...I do NOT approve of bringing young children to a Beauty Salon to have Manicure/Pedicures/Facials/Spray Tans or any other beauty treatment (for an extra cost this salon will also provide your child with a photographer to follow them around...so is fame now also an entitlement that is closely alligned with beauty and nothing to do with achievement!?!?!).
I've heard both sides of the arguments about how it's just child's play and children play Mummy's and Daddy's and other adult roles involving hair and make-up all the time, that it is good for them. Yes this is true and this is good for them, however, a child role playing the roles they see their parents doing and using their imaginations to enact the experience as they see and understand it is quite separate to the experience of being brought to a salon where a professional is attending to their grooming as though they actually were adults...this is not a subtle difference, this is in fact a screamingly obvious difference!
Children are growing up in an increasingly image obsessed society where the onus is on how you look as opposed to what you do. Parents should be focused on empowering their children to feel beautiful from the inside and to behave and act in a beautiful way towards themselves and others...this is enough "beauty" for any child to be concerned with. Beauty Salons are an adult experience and we should not tolerate attempts to force our children to lose their already too short and too precious childhoods.
I fully accept (& have witnessed) how little girls and boys are fascinated with watching their mothers engage in their beauty regime, apply make-up, paint their nails. This should not be confused with a fascination with beauty and make-up alone, this is a child's fascination with watching their Mother's and idealising their Mother's routines...this fascination is as much about the child's preoccupation with their Mum's as it is about any preoccupation with Make-Up. To introduce your child to a salon of this kind at such a young age is to expose and immerse them in an adult world at a premature stage, it takes away any aspect of creativity and imagination that is fundamental to this kind of role play and Role Play is an essential stage of any child's Developmental Play experience.
NOTE: See my Blog on the 3 Stages of Developmental Play - EPR
All children,not just little girls, need to engage in fantasy and role play, they must be allowed to use their imaginations to express how they are experiencing their world and the people in their world, this is fundamental to their growth and development.
So, it's a yes to dressing up in Mum's high heels and dressing gown while role playing being an adult and it is a very big NO to eliminating imagination and actually having your child experience life as an adult prematurely. Parents must trust their own instincts on this and not allow the normalisation of such practices in society to make us feel like prudes when we tell our children that they are too young for a Manicure!
You can find out more about Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and the work we do on www.solamh.com
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Children's Nightmares - how to address them
Nightmares and/or recurring bad dreams can be a traumatic experience for a child and will effect their sleep pattern and routine. Your child may be reluctant to go to bed, say they're not tired, wake themselves up in the early hours and need reassurance during the night. So here is a tried and tested technique to address children's nightmares or bad dreams that ALWAYS works!
The key to this technique is that you must be supremely confident in it working and be able to sell that in how you present it to your child for it to be effective...so remember, this ALWAYS works!
If your child experiences a nightmare or recurring bad dreams, set aside a block of time the next day to sit with them. Ensure that you have uninterrupted time, even 30 minutes to give this your full attention. You will need; paper (2 sheets), markers or crayons/pencils.
The key to this technique is that you must be supremely confident in it working and be able to sell that in how you present it to your child for it to be effective...so remember, this ALWAYS works!
If your child experiences a nightmare or recurring bad dreams, set aside a block of time the next day to sit with them. Ensure that you have uninterrupted time, even 30 minutes to give this your full attention. You will need; paper (2 sheets), markers or crayons/pencils.
- Sit down with your child and tell them that you know a way of stopping bad dreams that ALWAYS works.
- Invite them to think about the bad dream and to draw the bit of the dream that scares them most. Reflect on what you see in this drawing without projecting your own thoughts, in other words "I see this Black bit here, I wonder what that is"
- NOTE: The use of "wondering" can facilitate your child to go deeper into the dream but doesn't put pressure on them if they don't want to, in the way direct questions can put pressure on them to produce an answer.
- Tell them that dreams are exactly like movies and that they are the director of their dream so can decide to yell "cut" and change the scene.
- Now, have them look at the scary drawing, yell "cut" and now invite them to think about how they would like the dream to go, what would they like to happen instead of this scary bit that would make it a happier dream. Have them visualise the happier change, what does it look like, how does it feel etc
- When your child has the new 'scene' in mind, have them draw this new scene for the dream. Again, reflect on what you see, use "wondering" to encourage them to talk about this happier scene.
- Once done, tell your child that they can tear up the scary part and throw it away and go with them as they bring the new happy dream scene into their bedroom and they can either pin it to the wall by their bed so that they see it every night or place it under their pillow, whichever they prefer.
- Again, reiterate that this ALWAYS works so the bad dream won't come back again.
By sounding supremely confident you validate this technique as working and empower your child to control the dream. The dream itself is important, it is your child's way of unconsciously processing thoughts during the night so it is equally important that you spend some time during this process reflecting and wondering with them about the bad or scary parts of the dream, this enables them to put words and feelings onto what is happening and to bring it from their unconscious to their conscious thinking, they can thereby process it and let it go. The happier drawing empowers them to change the dream and take control of it and change the ending, ultimately reaffirming that when something is scary, they can 'discuss' it with you, think about it, talk about changing the scary thing and then let it go of it. It also allows you and your child to enjoy a restful sleep again.
This technique doesn't mean your child will never have another bad dream but it can be used again and again where necessary. It is particularly effective where a child is experiencing a recurring dream. If there is a pattern of recurring and/or frequent bad dreams it may indicate an underlying anxiety, in which case you might want to consider seeking professional advice/support from a child psychotherapist/play therapist /psychologist. For further information about this or other child development/behavioural challenges contact Solamh -Parent Child Relationship Clinic on 01-6976568 www.solamh.com
Friday, 3 June 2011
Three Stages of Play - EPR
Children develop through play, it is how they learn to form and develop relationships with their environment and people in their environment, it is how they learn about who they are in themselves. There are three core stages in Developmental Play and these are commonly referred to as EPR or Embodiment Play, Projective Play and Role Play, which occur in a particular sequence and each is of particular value to a child's development in that they cannot proceed to the next stage without having fully negotiated the first one.
Embodiment Play is essential to developing a sense of trust and is the first of these stages in Developmental Play...babies learn to trust in a physical way, not through words. If babies needs are met in the first years they are in a strong position going forward, it is much more difficult to develop a sense of trust later on than it is to reconnect again with their earlier sense of trust.
In essence this Embodiment Stage of Play is about learning and integrating that sense of having a body and having skin. The young child learns "I have a body; This is what my body can do; This is where my body ends". It is essential that children learn to develop this sense of self as opposed to understanding themselves with/through others. This stage of play centers around a sensory exploration by the infant of their environment and those in it!
Where there have been gaps in the early attachment cycle and/or these stages of developmental play have not been negotiated we may see a child coping at a projective level of play but the healing will involve a return to where the need is. In therapy, a traumatised/attachment disordered child will begin to heal and return to the 'nesting' or Embodiment Level to re-negotiate through this stage in a healthier way that allows them to progress onto the next stage because we need to have this sense of self and trust in order to progress onwards.
Projective Play is the next stage and follows on from the stage of Embodiment Play. This stage involves an increased focus on stories and narrations to further explore and investigate objects, people and their general environment at a deeper level.
We must hold in mind the fact that children have less external influences as their life experience is more limited, therefore what they 'tell' us is very likely to be something that is still very active in their lives. During the Embodiment stage the child is learning how to find a way to contain their emotions, how to read cues and then to realise that that emotions are their feelings but are not THEM! Without developing this sense of self they are less likely to be able to negotiate into and through Projective Play, i.e. they are not ready to read their feelings!
Note: We cannot be held responsible for how we feel BUT we do need to find and be responsible for finding a way to express how we feel that does not hurt ourselves or others...it is very important that children are given and understand this message
What has been introjected before, in the previous stage, is now what is projected by the child in their behaviours. Where there are difficulties a qualified therapist will work to give the child a new introject that they can incorporate into their projected play.
Dramatic play, whereby the child uses play to re-structure and/or re-arrange aspects of their life events to gain a better understanding of themselves and their world occurs in the final stage of Developmental Play, Role Play Stage.
There will be aspects of the first stage of embodiment play evident in both Projective and Role Play stages. The therapist working with the child must be adequately trained and skilled to spot these signs and measure where the child is at developmentally and where the gaps are. It is very normal for all children to temporarily regress to this first stage or employ aspects of sensory and embodiment play during the later stages, we should not pathologise everything the child does and this is why it is very important to understand what is 'normal' and what may indicate a developmental or attachment delay/gap. Where gaps exist and where there is evidence of a developmental delay the therapist will use specific play based interventions aimed at supporting developmental growth and returning the child to their normal and healthy developmental path.
Children presenting with attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder, ADD/ADHD, Autism, Aspergers, Personality Disorder etc will all experience a deficit in this developmental functioning as a result of the limit their condition imposes. The therapeutic goal with these children, who are often coming to the attention of services and professionals because they are acting out in a variety of challenging behaviours or displaying emotional and/or social impairments, is always to assist the child back to the highest possible level of developmental functioning, sometimes this will be to the highest level of functioning possible given their existing limitations as opposed to what is considered age appropriate for them.
If a child has not been able to negotiate the embodiment and projective play stages they will be incapable of empathy. It is important that this is addressed appropriately to allow the child to heal, grow and develop into a healthy and rounded individual.
In my work and in addition to the above, I am using play to observe the child and ascertain where they are at now, to develop a means of communicating and connecting with the child and to enable the child to express how they are feeling. Play, in the therapeutic setting, is a means for the child to gain and express mastery of themselves, their world and their experiences. The concept of "Repetition Compulsion" is always running concurrently, seen in the child's tendency to repeat the same play over and over again or the same themes, and this compulsion is an attempt to gain control over their internal world again, particularly if something traumatic has happened in their lives. Play is a means of connecting with the healthy parts of the child and enables the therapist to develop a positive therapeutic alliance that in turn allows trust to develop and the work of processing and repairing to begin. This is always at the core of our work in Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and guides and informs our treatment plans.
You can read more about our work on www.solamh.com or call us on 01-6976568 for further information about the work we do
Embodiment Play is essential to developing a sense of trust and is the first of these stages in Developmental Play...babies learn to trust in a physical way, not through words. If babies needs are met in the first years they are in a strong position going forward, it is much more difficult to develop a sense of trust later on than it is to reconnect again with their earlier sense of trust.
In essence this Embodiment Stage of Play is about learning and integrating that sense of having a body and having skin. The young child learns "I have a body; This is what my body can do; This is where my body ends". It is essential that children learn to develop this sense of self as opposed to understanding themselves with/through others. This stage of play centers around a sensory exploration by the infant of their environment and those in it!
Where there have been gaps in the early attachment cycle and/or these stages of developmental play have not been negotiated we may see a child coping at a projective level of play but the healing will involve a return to where the need is. In therapy, a traumatised/attachment disordered child will begin to heal and return to the 'nesting' or Embodiment Level to re-negotiate through this stage in a healthier way that allows them to progress onto the next stage because we need to have this sense of self and trust in order to progress onwards.
Projective Play is the next stage and follows on from the stage of Embodiment Play. This stage involves an increased focus on stories and narrations to further explore and investigate objects, people and their general environment at a deeper level.
We must hold in mind the fact that children have less external influences as their life experience is more limited, therefore what they 'tell' us is very likely to be something that is still very active in their lives. During the Embodiment stage the child is learning how to find a way to contain their emotions, how to read cues and then to realise that that emotions are their feelings but are not THEM! Without developing this sense of self they are less likely to be able to negotiate into and through Projective Play, i.e. they are not ready to read their feelings!
Note: We cannot be held responsible for how we feel BUT we do need to find and be responsible for finding a way to express how we feel that does not hurt ourselves or others...it is very important that children are given and understand this message
What has been introjected before, in the previous stage, is now what is projected by the child in their behaviours. Where there are difficulties a qualified therapist will work to give the child a new introject that they can incorporate into their projected play.
Dramatic play, whereby the child uses play to re-structure and/or re-arrange aspects of their life events to gain a better understanding of themselves and their world occurs in the final stage of Developmental Play, Role Play Stage.
There will be aspects of the first stage of embodiment play evident in both Projective and Role Play stages. The therapist working with the child must be adequately trained and skilled to spot these signs and measure where the child is at developmentally and where the gaps are. It is very normal for all children to temporarily regress to this first stage or employ aspects of sensory and embodiment play during the later stages, we should not pathologise everything the child does and this is why it is very important to understand what is 'normal' and what may indicate a developmental or attachment delay/gap. Where gaps exist and where there is evidence of a developmental delay the therapist will use specific play based interventions aimed at supporting developmental growth and returning the child to their normal and healthy developmental path.
Children presenting with attachment disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder, ADD/ADHD, Autism, Aspergers, Personality Disorder etc will all experience a deficit in this developmental functioning as a result of the limit their condition imposes. The therapeutic goal with these children, who are often coming to the attention of services and professionals because they are acting out in a variety of challenging behaviours or displaying emotional and/or social impairments, is always to assist the child back to the highest possible level of developmental functioning, sometimes this will be to the highest level of functioning possible given their existing limitations as opposed to what is considered age appropriate for them.
If a child has not been able to negotiate the embodiment and projective play stages they will be incapable of empathy. It is important that this is addressed appropriately to allow the child to heal, grow and develop into a healthy and rounded individual.
In my work and in addition to the above, I am using play to observe the child and ascertain where they are at now, to develop a means of communicating and connecting with the child and to enable the child to express how they are feeling. Play, in the therapeutic setting, is a means for the child to gain and express mastery of themselves, their world and their experiences. The concept of "Repetition Compulsion" is always running concurrently, seen in the child's tendency to repeat the same play over and over again or the same themes, and this compulsion is an attempt to gain control over their internal world again, particularly if something traumatic has happened in their lives. Play is a means of connecting with the healthy parts of the child and enables the therapist to develop a positive therapeutic alliance that in turn allows trust to develop and the work of processing and repairing to begin. This is always at the core of our work in Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and guides and informs our treatment plans.
You can read more about our work on www.solamh.com or call us on 01-6976568 for further information about the work we do
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Therapeutic Play - Play Therapy - Theraplay, which one is best for your child
A child going into therapy is not a judgement or a statement against the parent(s), it does not mean that the parent(s) have failed. A parent cannot be a therapist for their child because the role of parent is so important in itself so the best thing you can do for your child is bring them to a trained and accredited Psychotherapist and/or Play Therapist.
As a Clinical Psychotherapist and Play Therapist I am almost a non-person within the therapy as the child will work best when they can see themselves reflected in both me and the environment. I can have only one primary client in the play therapy relationship, the child and the parent(s) are a secondary client. This is not to say that a parent won't be involved in or a part of their child's therapeutic process, this would be both unrealistic and unhelpful to the child...remember the child is with me for 1 hour a week but with their parents for the remainder of the time and the best outcomes occur for children who have parents who are supporting the therapy at home. To all parents I say, YOU are the expert on your children. When issues arise for the parents the Play Therapist can meet with you and offer some cognitive advice and support while referring you to a therapist of your own with whom you can fully work through these issues. I would always meet with the parent(s) first to ascertain the level of support for the therapeutic process but also to gather background information on the child, the family and the history of the issue precipitating the referral to therapy.
Parents will often ask if they are over reacting and would therapy perhaps do more harm than good if it's not warranted. Firstly, a good clinical psychotherapist will conduct a thorough assessment for therapy with your child after which they will meet with you to advise what, if any, treatment is recommended. If your child does not require therapy at this time you will be told that. In terms of play therapy specifically it is worth noting that in any case the provision of play does not have to be about a problem, all children can benefit from the provision of 'Therapeutic Play'...Play Therapy is different because there will always be pre-therapy considerations before commencing Play Therapy.
Note: Play Therapy vs Therapeutic Play: In Play Therapy (relationship based intervention) the focus is on the therapy itself whereas in Therapeutic Play (activity based intervention) the focus is solely on the play.
For a child the 'doing' of the play can be enough without using words or verbalising what is going on. It doesn't have to happen at a cognitive level, indeed much of this work is at an unconscious level. If you are employing play therapy as a means of preparing the child for a future event you would use words and/or name what is going on but if using Play Therapy as a means of processing a past event you would not necessarily use words.
Note: In expressing themselves children experience themselves; the therapist must create an expressive atmosphere. The therapist enables the child to become reassured but does not reassure them
Theraplay uses elements of play therapy but is focused on working with both parent(s) and child together to build/repair attachment wounds in the relationship, it is therefore attachment based (play) therapy. Another way Theraplay is different from Play Therapy is that the Therapist and the parent(s)/Care-Giver are the play objects in the room, they are the most enticing things in the room for the child and while you will have play and creative materials available, these materials do not in themselves mediate the development of feelings. Another explicit difference between Theraplay and Play Therapy is that the therapist will direct the parent in the activities, direct them to notice the child's expressions and behaviours, to engage in a particular way, to engage in touch/contact that is nurturing without being over stimulating. Parents will also be advised of a number of activities they can employ at home in between sessions.
It is always very difficult to quantify the duration of therapy because it is absolutely dependent on the child and particular situation but in general we can expect to see a positive change in behaviours over the course of 12-14 weekly play therapy sessions. With Theraplay the average intervention is 24 weekly sessions with one session per quarter in the year following treatment. Again these are average guidelines and may differ from one individual to the next.
For more information on any of the above you can contact me on +353 (0)1 6976568 or joanna.fortune@solamh.com See www.solamh.com for more information about our work
As a Clinical Psychotherapist and Play Therapist I am almost a non-person within the therapy as the child will work best when they can see themselves reflected in both me and the environment. I can have only one primary client in the play therapy relationship, the child and the parent(s) are a secondary client. This is not to say that a parent won't be involved in or a part of their child's therapeutic process, this would be both unrealistic and unhelpful to the child...remember the child is with me for 1 hour a week but with their parents for the remainder of the time and the best outcomes occur for children who have parents who are supporting the therapy at home. To all parents I say, YOU are the expert on your children. When issues arise for the parents the Play Therapist can meet with you and offer some cognitive advice and support while referring you to a therapist of your own with whom you can fully work through these issues. I would always meet with the parent(s) first to ascertain the level of support for the therapeutic process but also to gather background information on the child, the family and the history of the issue precipitating the referral to therapy.
Parents will often ask if they are over reacting and would therapy perhaps do more harm than good if it's not warranted. Firstly, a good clinical psychotherapist will conduct a thorough assessment for therapy with your child after which they will meet with you to advise what, if any, treatment is recommended. If your child does not require therapy at this time you will be told that. In terms of play therapy specifically it is worth noting that in any case the provision of play does not have to be about a problem, all children can benefit from the provision of 'Therapeutic Play'...Play Therapy is different because there will always be pre-therapy considerations before commencing Play Therapy.
Note: Play Therapy vs Therapeutic Play: In Play Therapy (relationship based intervention) the focus is on the therapy itself whereas in Therapeutic Play (activity based intervention) the focus is solely on the play.
For a child the 'doing' of the play can be enough without using words or verbalising what is going on. It doesn't have to happen at a cognitive level, indeed much of this work is at an unconscious level. If you are employing play therapy as a means of preparing the child for a future event you would use words and/or name what is going on but if using Play Therapy as a means of processing a past event you would not necessarily use words.
Note: In expressing themselves children experience themselves; the therapist must create an expressive atmosphere. The therapist enables the child to become reassured but does not reassure them
Theraplay uses elements of play therapy but is focused on working with both parent(s) and child together to build/repair attachment wounds in the relationship, it is therefore attachment based (play) therapy. Another way Theraplay is different from Play Therapy is that the Therapist and the parent(s)/Care-Giver are the play objects in the room, they are the most enticing things in the room for the child and while you will have play and creative materials available, these materials do not in themselves mediate the development of feelings. Another explicit difference between Theraplay and Play Therapy is that the therapist will direct the parent in the activities, direct them to notice the child's expressions and behaviours, to engage in a particular way, to engage in touch/contact that is nurturing without being over stimulating. Parents will also be advised of a number of activities they can employ at home in between sessions.
It is always very difficult to quantify the duration of therapy because it is absolutely dependent on the child and particular situation but in general we can expect to see a positive change in behaviours over the course of 12-14 weekly play therapy sessions. With Theraplay the average intervention is 24 weekly sessions with one session per quarter in the year following treatment. Again these are average guidelines and may differ from one individual to the next.
For more information on any of the above you can contact me on +353 (0)1 6976568 or joanna.fortune@solamh.com See www.solamh.com for more information about our work
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Post Natal Depression in Mum's and Dad's - the impact on the children
Earlier this week an article in the Irish Independent reported on the trial of Mark Bruton-Young, a 36 year old Dad charged with murdering his baby daughter, why is this article getting such particular attention worldwide...because Mark Bruton-Young is pleading Post Natal Depression as the mitigating factor in his taking his baby girls life! http://bit.ly/jPcHx9
For so long post natal depression has been viewed, researched, diagnosed and treated as a female illness directly linked to pregnancy and the experience of child birth. In 2008 there were 20,624 births recorded for the Dublin area alone. Statistically 12% of Mothers will suffer from some degree of Post Natal Depression (PND) with 1 out of 500 being hospitalised with severe symptoms. Research continues to link PND in women with a specific hormone imbalance but so far the findings are insubstantial, what is undeniable though is that psycho-social factors are a contributing factor and that PND is a serious and debilitating illness that requires professional support and intervention at the earliest possible signs.
Pregnancy and child birth can be an emotionally over whelming experience and combined with the lack of sleep and the demands of a new baby women can struggle to manage and regulate the experience. What this research is now telling us, and it does make sense when you think about it, is that fathers are exposed to the same stresses and emotions that accompany the life-changing experience becoming a parent is. Fathers are more likely to experience signs and symptoms of PND if they have a previous history of depression (as is true in mothers) or are older Dad's (as the life style adjustment in this case can be greater). Symptoms of PND in fathers were observed to emerge either during the mothers pregnancy or during the first year of the child's life, peaking at 3-6 months after birth. If a mother has PND the likelihood of the father developing it himself also increase significantly.
What all of this tells us is that becoming a parent is a stressful, overwhelming and life changing experience that some of us are going to need extra supports and intervention to cope with...and that if one parent is showing signs of depression then we should be looking to the other parent at the same time to ensure he/she have all the supports they need. Most importantly, do not suffer in silence!!
Parents suffering from PND will ask how it will effect the child(ren) and the answer is that there is an effect but if you can seek appropriate support and help as early as possible the effect will not be long lasting. If PND remains untreated the infant/child may develop behavioural issues and/or attachment disorder as a result...again this can be addressed and worked with, the key point is to ensure you seek help! Children, even very young infants, can pick up on how their care givers are feeling and they may take on these feelings as their own and begin to mirror you and/or see themselves as having to take care of you and make you happy. We know that children do best when they are growing up in a safe, loving, secure environment and they need you to be feeling happy and at your best to provide this. If you are not able to do so you should enlist the support of family and friends to help you with your child(ren) while you are seeking support so that the child(ren) is also receiving positive and appropriate care from a trusted adult. The Health Service Executive may be of assistance to you in this regard if you need them. The child(ren) of parents with PND may benefit from a therapeutic intervention such as play therapy and/or theraplay.
Prognosis for a full recovery is very good but it does depend on you acknowledging that there is a problem and that you seek support and help. Friends and family are a great source of support but you should also seek professional support, your GP is a very good place to start and there are many organisations throughout Ireland who offer ongoing support to parents with PND or other related issues. My clinic, Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic in Dublin also offers specialised support in this area (to both mothers and fathers) and you can read more about this on www.solamh.com and feel free to contact us for more information and/or an appointment.
For so long post natal depression has been viewed, researched, diagnosed and treated as a female illness directly linked to pregnancy and the experience of child birth. In 2008 there were 20,624 births recorded for the Dublin area alone. Statistically 12% of Mothers will suffer from some degree of Post Natal Depression (PND) with 1 out of 500 being hospitalised with severe symptoms. Research continues to link PND in women with a specific hormone imbalance but so far the findings are insubstantial, what is undeniable though is that psycho-social factors are a contributing factor and that PND is a serious and debilitating illness that requires professional support and intervention at the earliest possible signs.
Pregnancy and child birth can be an emotionally over whelming experience and combined with the lack of sleep and the demands of a new baby women can struggle to manage and regulate the experience. What this research is now telling us, and it does make sense when you think about it, is that fathers are exposed to the same stresses and emotions that accompany the life-changing experience becoming a parent is. Fathers are more likely to experience signs and symptoms of PND if they have a previous history of depression (as is true in mothers) or are older Dad's (as the life style adjustment in this case can be greater). Symptoms of PND in fathers were observed to emerge either during the mothers pregnancy or during the first year of the child's life, peaking at 3-6 months after birth. If a mother has PND the likelihood of the father developing it himself also increase significantly.
What all of this tells us is that becoming a parent is a stressful, overwhelming and life changing experience that some of us are going to need extra supports and intervention to cope with...and that if one parent is showing signs of depression then we should be looking to the other parent at the same time to ensure he/she have all the supports they need. Most importantly, do not suffer in silence!!
Parents suffering from PND will ask how it will effect the child(ren) and the answer is that there is an effect but if you can seek appropriate support and help as early as possible the effect will not be long lasting. If PND remains untreated the infant/child may develop behavioural issues and/or attachment disorder as a result...again this can be addressed and worked with, the key point is to ensure you seek help! Children, even very young infants, can pick up on how their care givers are feeling and they may take on these feelings as their own and begin to mirror you and/or see themselves as having to take care of you and make you happy. We know that children do best when they are growing up in a safe, loving, secure environment and they need you to be feeling happy and at your best to provide this. If you are not able to do so you should enlist the support of family and friends to help you with your child(ren) while you are seeking support so that the child(ren) is also receiving positive and appropriate care from a trusted adult. The Health Service Executive may be of assistance to you in this regard if you need them. The child(ren) of parents with PND may benefit from a therapeutic intervention such as play therapy and/or theraplay.
Prognosis for a full recovery is very good but it does depend on you acknowledging that there is a problem and that you seek support and help. Friends and family are a great source of support but you should also seek professional support, your GP is a very good place to start and there are many organisations throughout Ireland who offer ongoing support to parents with PND or other related issues. My clinic, Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic in Dublin also offers specialised support in this area (to both mothers and fathers) and you can read more about this on www.solamh.com and feel free to contact us for more information and/or an appointment.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
When Dad is the stay at home parent
A (relatively) new phenomenon to grow out of the recession is the increase in numbers of stay at home Dad's. This is not to imply that there haven't been Dad's out there doing a super job as primary care givers to their children but it is fair to say that never before have we seen such high numbers of Dad's taking on this role while their partners are working outside of the home. Indeed the Irish Times show case one such family today http://bit.ly/l1B6F0
But what does this mean for family life and the parent child relationship?
The increase in numbers of stay at home Dad's (or SAHD from now on!) is partly due to a general evolution of "family" in society but also, and particularly in Ireland at the moment, due to the numbers of men who have been made redundant in recession, which has had a particular impact on the development industry, a mostly male industry. As a result many families in Ireland are faced with restructuring their own family norms with Mum going (back) to work and Dad taking on the role of primary care giver to the children and the household chores. While on the surface, the evolved modern family, very much accepts and indeed embraces Dad's taking on this role the stereotype of this being traditionally a woman's work is still prevalent in Irish society and many Dad's are feeling this when faced with being the only Dad at the school gate or the only Dad in the (now named) Parent Toddler groups. This is changing though and if we adults in society can support this change then children will benefit!
There are always voices to the contrary but I believe that fathers can absolutely be as nurturing and child centred as mothers and the reality is so long as both parents are content in the roles they have each decided to take on, the children will also be happy. The main question arises around this point...are all of our SAHD genuinely content to find themselves in this role? I think not, given many of them are doing so as a direct result to losing their jobs outside of the home and for no other reason/motivation. It may be very challenging for a father to reconcile himself with this new role as SAHD and he faces the challenge of relearning his position within the family unit and the value he is contributing. A recessionary SAHD may worry that this forced time out of the business world will lead to him losing his edge, his skills and that the longer he stays out of the work force the harder it will become to ever get back into it...the same worries SAHM have faced for years.
There are benefits for the children however, in having one of their parents at home with them. There are benefits for the family in terms of saving money on day care and studies show that mothers who work outside of the home are able to enjoy, embrace and excel in their careers with less worries and less guilt when their partners are at home with the children. Mothers who are now the main earners will also experience new and in some cases unfamiliar pressures with their partners staying at home with the children, the family is now dependent on them and their salary and she must be careful to support her partner in becoming the primary care giver and not to undermine this in the eyes of the children. This can be challenging for mothers who may have held this role in their children's lives thusfar but it is important to recognise the importance of maximising the *quality time you have with your child when you cannot have quantity time with them.
The key to making this arrangement work to the benefit of all parties (mothers/father and the children) is support and respect. The SAHD must be able to build a support network to support him in his transition into this role. There has been a growth in the numbers of support networks through social media targeted at SAHD and this can only be a good thing. The SAHD must also feel respected in the work he is now doing at home...the question "what did you do all day" can be experienced as antagonistic when the SAHD has spent the day as referee between the children...in the same way it has antagonised SAHM for years, so perhaps this new experience of gender role reversal in families will actually increase mutual respect for the roles traditionally done by the other, time will tell.
However, in spite of this trend of SAHD growing they remain a minority and as yet there is no good research that has been conducted on the impact SAHD have on the children. Logic and psychology tell us that the children will benefit from this increased time with their fathers, they will be able to get to know each other better and develop stronger bonds with their fathers as nurturing care givers. Of course for this to happen, SAHD must be happy in their role as primary care giver and for some they may need to access support networks and/or *services to enable this to happen. Remember who you are doing this for...the children and keep focused on how they will benefit from having you around more.
* Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic provides services in these area www.solamh.com
But what does this mean for family life and the parent child relationship?
The increase in numbers of stay at home Dad's (or SAHD from now on!) is partly due to a general evolution of "family" in society but also, and particularly in Ireland at the moment, due to the numbers of men who have been made redundant in recession, which has had a particular impact on the development industry, a mostly male industry. As a result many families in Ireland are faced with restructuring their own family norms with Mum going (back) to work and Dad taking on the role of primary care giver to the children and the household chores. While on the surface, the evolved modern family, very much accepts and indeed embraces Dad's taking on this role the stereotype of this being traditionally a woman's work is still prevalent in Irish society and many Dad's are feeling this when faced with being the only Dad at the school gate or the only Dad in the (now named) Parent Toddler groups. This is changing though and if we adults in society can support this change then children will benefit!
There are always voices to the contrary but I believe that fathers can absolutely be as nurturing and child centred as mothers and the reality is so long as both parents are content in the roles they have each decided to take on, the children will also be happy. The main question arises around this point...are all of our SAHD genuinely content to find themselves in this role? I think not, given many of them are doing so as a direct result to losing their jobs outside of the home and for no other reason/motivation. It may be very challenging for a father to reconcile himself with this new role as SAHD and he faces the challenge of relearning his position within the family unit and the value he is contributing. A recessionary SAHD may worry that this forced time out of the business world will lead to him losing his edge, his skills and that the longer he stays out of the work force the harder it will become to ever get back into it...the same worries SAHM have faced for years.
There are benefits for the children however, in having one of their parents at home with them. There are benefits for the family in terms of saving money on day care and studies show that mothers who work outside of the home are able to enjoy, embrace and excel in their careers with less worries and less guilt when their partners are at home with the children. Mothers who are now the main earners will also experience new and in some cases unfamiliar pressures with their partners staying at home with the children, the family is now dependent on them and their salary and she must be careful to support her partner in becoming the primary care giver and not to undermine this in the eyes of the children. This can be challenging for mothers who may have held this role in their children's lives thusfar but it is important to recognise the importance of maximising the *quality time you have with your child when you cannot have quantity time with them.
The key to making this arrangement work to the benefit of all parties (mothers/father and the children) is support and respect. The SAHD must be able to build a support network to support him in his transition into this role. There has been a growth in the numbers of support networks through social media targeted at SAHD and this can only be a good thing. The SAHD must also feel respected in the work he is now doing at home...the question "what did you do all day" can be experienced as antagonistic when the SAHD has spent the day as referee between the children...in the same way it has antagonised SAHM for years, so perhaps this new experience of gender role reversal in families will actually increase mutual respect for the roles traditionally done by the other, time will tell.
However, in spite of this trend of SAHD growing they remain a minority and as yet there is no good research that has been conducted on the impact SAHD have on the children. Logic and psychology tell us that the children will benefit from this increased time with their fathers, they will be able to get to know each other better and develop stronger bonds with their fathers as nurturing care givers. Of course for this to happen, SAHD must be happy in their role as primary care giver and for some they may need to access support networks and/or *services to enable this to happen. Remember who you are doing this for...the children and keep focused on how they will benefit from having you around more.
* Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic provides services in these area www.solamh.com
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