Infants are the new Marketing Target for companies!

I was in a large ToyStore on Saturday to buy a birthday gift for my 6 year old God-Daughter and was immediately frustrated and then really angry at how many of the "toys" aimed at little girls are image and make-up focused such as make your own lipstick/nail-polish and a variety of others not worth mentioning here...even the dolls were pimped to the maximum!!  I eventually settled on a "Paint your own Puppy" set but it got me thinking about how our children are being targeted by Marketing companies from their infancy and so I wonder what can we do about it??

Play is essential to children's development, it is how they learn about their world, who they are, who others in their world are and from here they learn to develop relationships and attachments.  Play is a natural experience for children, it comes naturally to them and free, creative, imaginative play is of paramount importance in children's development. See my previous blog on the 3 stages of developmental play here http://bit.ly/mHDnsR

This overtly sexualised and commercialisation of children's play and toys is actually preventing them from exploring and experimenting with feelings and choices, it is stopping children from actually playing!!

The amount of time children are spending at creative/imaginative play is steadily decreasing and I couldn't help but observe that even the "creative toys" in this same Toy Store such as Lego were now available in kits that were mostly associated with a brand i.e. Harry Potter/Star Wars/Disney and therefore exposing children to the influence of bigger brands, leading them to brand recognition and limiting the scope for free expression play with the lego.  It is impossible to ignore the influence of gender stereotyping in how children toys are marketed...it's mostly Princess and hair/make-up options for girls while boys toys are action based with the roles on offer being Fire-Fighter; Police Officer; Soldier etc.

A recent study in Adweek Magazine states that "by the age of three, children in the US can recognise 100 different brands" and this is not a phenomenon exclusive to the US by any means.  This article goes on to quote a former marketing consultant to Hasbro, Mattel and Nestle who said "babies don't distinguish between reality and fantasy, so they [companies] think, 'Let's get them while they're susceptible'".  Watch this short but very effective video by Dove around the effect this has on young children's development http://bit.ly/qkGQa This is compounded by the fact that everything is branded now, you are not just buying a book for your child but the branded book is automatically directing you and your child towards the DVD, Computer Game, Playing cards, Pencil case & Lunch box that go with it!

By limiting our children's access to creative and imaginative play we are undermining their creations and projections, we are restricting how they get to work out the world around them and how they feel in it and also how they learn to problem solve because creative play is essential for children to develop their critical thinking capacity!

So let's take some responsibility for what are children are playing with and at the same time send a message to the marketing companies that our children will not be a part of the increasing commercial culture we all live in!  Less of Tattooed Barbie http://tgr.ph/odOKS7 and more Sand, Play-Doh/Clay and finger painting because we know that what our children want and need most of all is time with their parents/carers not stuff! Ref UNICEF report An Overview of Child Well-being in Rich Countries [http://bbc.in/qAJ4rE the link to the UNICEF research is contained in this article] 
Protect Childhood, Protect Children's Right to Play!

How to raise Happy Children - Time vs Material goods!

The issue highlighted in the UNICEF report An Overview of Child Well-being in Rich Countries [ http://bbc.in/qAJ4rE the link to the UNICEF research is contained in this article] is of very real concern and something we in Ireland should listen to and respond to quickly.  Ireland is currently 13th on the list in terms of how happy our children are, which is at the halfway mark on the UNICEF table.


Only last week the Irish Examiner carried an article on their front page http://bit.ly/nzcX9f detailing that research with 300 Irish Parents who work outside of home showed that 60% of parents say they are too tired to read a bedtime story to their children at the end of the day (see my earlier blog on importance of this here http://bit.ly/qlkqlc )...we may not be as far behind the UK as we'd like to think in terms of how happy our children are! 

The Journal.ie reported yesterday that one in three Irish Children are deprived of basic necessities http://bit.ly/nWBzoe So what constitutes a basic necessity:

• Three balanced meals each day with fruit / vegetables and meat / fish
• Enough of the right clothes for different seasons, e.g. a coat to keep warm and dry in winter
• Separate bed and bedding of their own
• Their own books for reading for fun
• Food and drinks for friends when they call over to play
• Own money for school activities or days out
• A family holiday once a year (can be in Ireland or abroad)
• Day out with family at least twice a year (e.g. go to beach, fun fair, leisure centres)
• Visit to a restaurant for a family meal at least twice a year
• A bank, post office or Credit Union account to save money
• Shops close to home (e.g. food shops, clothes shops or chemist)
• A trip to the library

This list is evidence that when it comes to children's needs it is your time and not stuff that children need!  "Unicef paints a picture of a country [UK] that has got its priorities wrong - trading quality time with our children for "cupboards full of expensive toys that aren't used".  Children need quality, one to one time with their parents to grow and develop into happy and content adolescents and then adults.  As parents we have to learn how to make time for our children!

I deliver a Positive Parenting Training workshop for parents who work outside of home in terms of how to maximise your quality time with your child when you do not have quantity time with them and one of the key messages is that planning is essential...no one is saying that it is easy to balance a career and family at the same time but is something that, as a parent, you must plan around!

In my experience the majority of people want to be good parents but just aren't sure how to achieve this. In a culture where we study, train and take courses in all aspects of our careers to ensure that we are as skilled as we can be, it is still stigmatised to say that you need a parenting course to help you work this out...this has to change!  When parents feel that they are getting it wrong they will often overcompensate with material goods in a "I can't give you myself so I will give you a new toy/gadget etc instead".  In children's consultation focus groups children never report that toys or "stuff' (material goods) make them happy and top of their list is to spend time with their parents.

In Ireland, not unlike the UK, we have had a decade of material wealth and consumerism, which is now abruptly gone!  There is an entire generation of children for whom this is a very new concept.  The same can be said for many adults too!  Parents are under increasing pressure to work all the hours they can to sustain the family finances meaning less and less time to spend with your children as a family, a balance is essential to turn this around so that we do not find ourselves with a generation of depressed and unhappy children.

Planning I've blogged on this point before but it is very important and worth a second mention here within this context:

Practical tips for working Parents on how to Make Time

Work out a personal schedule and break all the little ‘tasks’ up - it might not feel so overwhelming

• ·       Plan your week ahead: Tuesday/ Thursday is story night, Friday is make-your-own-desert night, short hike on Sunday afternoon. In this way time won’t fly away with all your good intentions.
  ·      Plan the week’s menu ahead of time and go for healthy but quick meals during the week days. All this planning might take up one whole evening but the rest of your week will flow pleasantly because of this and hopefully leave you with extra time
  ·      Chat over bath time and catch up on their day (age depending, of course)
  ·      Make a point of having dinner or breakfast together and don’t be in a rush. Talk about your day and ask about theirs
  ·      Take an extra ten minutes to read the bedtime story and kiss them goodnight
  ·      Use your weekends to make up for lost time. Try to spend time with each child individually, even if it means taking her with you to the shop (give your child a mini-list of items they are responsible for getting or give them the list and they can tick off items as you buy them) or the carwash.
  ·      Try to balance your weekends with chores and activities you can do with your children.
  ·      Opt for an outing like a picnic/walk or baking (if raining) rather than a movie. This will create an opportunity for them to talk and you to listen.
   

It is always important to focus on solutions and responses to reports like this UNICEF one and only last week I delivered 3 Positive Parenting (with focus on how parents who work outside of home can maximise the quality time with their children when they don't have quantity time) to staff of some medium and large organisations and the attendance at all trainings was very large with a good gender balance, which the companies who organised were surprised and delighted about.  It is important that companies acknowledge the pressures that their staff are under in terms of work/life balance and it is in everyones interest to offer training workshops like this one (we offer many more on a variety of parenting topics) to show their staff that they care and are invested in making it an easier balance to maintain, which in turn will increase morale and decrease absenteeism in companies.

In general, society must move to respond to this issue and work together to ensure we are raising happy children because happy children make a happy society, this effects all of us, whether we have children or not.  A government subsidised Parenting Course available to all parents at various stages of their children's development would go a long way to helping with this and the benefits would be felt throughout society - we have this expertise in Ireland, let's use it to turn this around and climb into the top 5 of the UNICEF list by the time they repeat this study!  While I will always tell parents that they are the experts on their own children I will emphasise that it is also ok to ask for help when you need it!

In addition to individual therapeutic supports, Solamh Clinic offers a variety of Positive Parenting focused trainings including Maternity Leave Support Program; Parent Child Communication; Effective Discipline; Developmental Play to help Children grow and develop; How to Maximise quality time with your child when you don't have quantity time with them and many more.  All trainings can be tailored to suit your organisations needs - call Joanna on 016976568 or email joanna.fortune@solamh.com for more information www.solamh.com 

"Dream Big Little One" - never underestimate the importance of the Bed-Time Story

It is hard to be a parent.  It is really hard to be a parent who also works outside of the home.  It is even harder to try to strike a balance of how to maximize quality time with your child when you don’t have quantity time!  No-one is disputing any of this BUT, time with your child can not be yet another thing that you have to tick off your list. It needs to be an act of love

Parents are usually exhausted after a day at work and come evening time just want to fall down on the couch and relax…But this isn’t a reality for parents, unfortunately. You have to cook dinner and it needs to be healthy (most of the time) You have to check on their homework, be interested in what they did at school and tell that bedtime story.

The value of what this means to your child and how your love and attention makes them grow and blossom is evident & undisputed

As a parent your time will either be spent on basic needs:

• feeding
• bathing
• sleeping
• clothing

or on the over-and-above kind of needs:

• Having a chat
• Asking how that problem he was having at school is working out
• Playing a game before bedtime
• Bedtime Story
• Riding bikes together on a Sunday afternoon 

Every child needs both sets of needs to be met and responded to, yes they will survive on the basic needs being met but they will grow, develop and flourish into healthy adults when their 'over-and-above' needs are met!  It’s about you being tuned in and putting everything else aside to spend time with your child, not just about you fulfilling a basic need. Sometimes you will need to prioritise to make this work…leave the dishes in the sink and attend to the bedtime story

An article in the Irish Examiner today http://bit.ly/nzcX9f reports that out of 300 parents interviewed 60% said that increase work pressure has meant they are "too busy to read their child a bedtime story".  This is very worrying as children really need this time with their parents and reading a bedtime story has been linked to improved literacy, creativity and better sleep in children.  So, how can you "Make time" as a parent who works out of home??

Practical tips for working Parents on how to Make Time

Work out a personal schedule and break all the little ‘tasks’ up - it might not feel so overwhelming

• ·       Plan your week ahead: Tuesday/ Thursday is story night, Friday is make-your-own-desert night, short hike on Sunday afternoon. In this way time won’t fly away with all your good intentions.
  
  
  ·      Plan the week’s menu ahead of time and go for healthy but quick meals during the week days. All this planning might take up one whole evening but the rest of your week will flow pleasantly because of this and hopefully leave you with extra time
  
  
  ·      Chat over bath time and catch up on their day (age depending, of course)
  
  
  ·      Make a point of having dinner or breakfast together and don’t be in a rush. Talk about your day and ask about theirs
  
  
  ·      Take an extra ten minutes to read the bedtime story and kiss them goodnight
  
  
  ·      Use your weekends to make up for lost time. Try to spend time with each child individually, even if it means taking her with you to the shop (give your child a mini-list of items they are responsible for getting or give them the list and they can tick off items as you buy them) or the carwash.
  
  
  ·      Try to balance your weekends with chores and activities you can do with your children.
  
  
  ·      Opt for an outing like a picnic/walk or baking (if raining) rather than a movie. This will create an opportunity for them to talk and you to listen.

It is hard to balance quality and quantity time with your child when you are working outside of home – PLANNING is essential!  Be aware of the variety of influences your child is exposed to in terms of messages communicated http://bit.ly/oPLgGE (this video highlights this fact in a very effective way and while it focuses on girls, the message is relevant to influences boys are exposed to as well) and make sure your advice and influence is what they default to when they need guidance...the messages in a carefully chosen bedtime story allow you to convey these influences to your child at a time of their day when they are unwinding and totally engaged with you!  

You can call Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic on 01-6976568 or by email info@solamh.com www.solamh.com for more information

"Dream Big Little One" is a tag line that underpins the work of a great Irish children's charity www.torussiawithlove.ie

Transition from Play to Big School...How can you support your child?

Starting school can be an emotional experience for both children and parents, below are some tips and guidelines as to how you can make this transition smoother for all involved.

It is important to remember that change/transition is a process for any of us, the difference with very young children is that it will be challenging for them to 'articulate' this challenge and they will have to show their handling of this process in the way they knows best i.e. behaviourally.

How they will adapt to the change is dependent on their personality, temperament and how they understand what is happening.  Common behaviours that are notable but not necessarily a cause for concern in this context might include; clingy, moody, angry, anxious, withdrawn/less sociable behaviours.  Parents should expect to see some of this as they start Big School but you should also expect these to disappear again as they adjust, if they linger beyond a few weeks (4-6 weeks or so) then you may need to specifically address the struggle with and for them.  Some children regress at times of change to behaviours that they displayed when younger and again this is quite normal while they are adapting to the change and should disappear.  During this time offer lots of extra hugs and cuddles and encouragement to help them negotiate through it.

Practically, do what you can to be as available as possible to your child during this transition i.e. 

-Try to be available to them the first week if you can take it off work so that you are close by if they are really struggling.  

-Talk about the change in the most appropriate way for your child, for example you can do regular drives past the new school and point it out and name it as "Susie's (your child's name) school" so they form an association. 

-Talk about it at home "We saw Susie's new school today, there are lots of children and fun toys in Susie's new school" etc.  

-Mark the change by buying them a new back-pack, new shoes, uniform or something and name them as "Susie's school shoes/bag/lunch box/pencil case" and involve your child in this process by designing a Shopping list that they are in charge of and can tick off items as they select them with you, it is very important that they are part of choosing these items.  

-It can be helpful with some children to make a story board of the new daily routine that you can hang up in their room or in the kitchen, for example, use photos or draw or cut out pictures of 1. Susie in bed 2. Susie waking up 3. Susie in Bathroom brushing teeth or getting dressed 4. Eating breakfast 5. In the car 6. A picture of the school 7. Children sitting together at a table like in school 8. Coming home (a picture of someone collecting Susie.  This can help to get your child used to the various steps in the day by visualising what will happen.

And very importantly, parents must stay super positive about school as a great place and that he/she will have lots of fun there so your child can mirror your emotions and behaviours about it.

These guidelines may be of help but of course each child will react to this period of change in their own way.  It is very 'normal' for a child who has had disruption to their transitions in infancy (children who are adopted, fostered, have spent significant time in hospital, had some kind of trauma in their early life) to experience any aspect of change as particularly challenging and they may need some extra support at this time from their parents and possibly a child psychotherapist.  In any case, stay positive but roll with it as it happens!

Some children will run in the door of the school and never look back at you and will embrace this change on their own.  Others will cry and cling to their Mums/Dad's for the first days.  If your child is upset, bend down to their eye level and taking their hands in yours acknowledge their feelings "I know that you are feeling scared and you are wondering what it will be like so I can promise you that it will be great when you get inside and meet all the other children and your teacher and I will be thinking about you at home and when I come back to collect you in a while you can tell me all about it!"

This will be the first of many changes in your child's life and they will need your support through each of them.  It is important to consider how this is also a big change for parents who may experience their "baby" starting school as them growing up and beginning to pull away from them.  This is a hard time for parents as well, sometimes it's parents who are crying at the school gate and not the children, so I would also encourage you to make a plan to mind yourself through this change.  Make a plan to meet friends after dropping your child off at school that first day and have a nice lunch.  Remind yourself that your child starting school is a positive reflection on all you have done to get them to this stage.  Try to remain positive for your child because they still very much need you to help them negotiate throughout this period of change, they take their lead from you and will mirror how you feel about it but ensure you have your own support network available to you in these early days.  

School is a huge part of every child's life and they will grow up and experience many more changes while at school.  It is very helpful to have a routine at home around school to help your child regulate themselves not only in the initial period of transition but throughout.  Try to keep the morning times as calm as possible by planning ahead i.e. lay the breakfast table the night before and prepare school lunches in advance so that things are less hectic.  Make sure that you have time at the end of the day to sit and talk and listen to your child's experience of their day, family dinner time is very important for everyone to share their highs and lows of the day and to debrief how they are feeling.

We support lots of children who struggle with this period of transition.  For more information contact us on 01-6976568 or email info@solamh.com see www.solamh.com for more information

HELP - My Child wants to be more Independent!

It's that conflict between wanting our children to be more independent and being terrified at the first sign of it's assertion...how to strike a balance between giving our children the opportunity to assert themselves and grow as and into, independent beings while maintaining parental control at the same time!

News reports such as this one http://fxn.ws/quj0Aq about the tragic case of an 8 year old boy who was snatched, murdered and dismembered while walking a short distance home can consume us with fear and cause parents to tighten their grip on their own children instinctively.  However, children will still push and challenge their parents to be allowed to do more and go places without supervision because these news stories will not have the same impact on them.

An essential part of growing up is to test and push parental boundaries and to (gradually) gain more and more independence so that we can become independent and self sufficient adults.  This is increasingly becoming an era of parents micro-managing their children's lives and parents (and children) have now become accustomed to meeting all of their children's needs for them.  This is really about finding a balance between allowing children to do things for themselves and providing the necessary support and guidance to ensure they make good and safe choices.

As your child begins to demand more independence and to pull away from you a little, this is the perfect time to teach them responsibility...independence and responsibility go hand in hand and the more responsible your children can show you they have become the easier it is for you to relax and support their independence.  Children begin to demand independence from a very young age, there is no one more willful in this regard than a 2 year old child asserting "I do myself" and this is wonderful, it is your child's job to pull against you and demand this freedom and your job as a parent to drip feed them the independence in a staged, age and developmentally appropriate way ensuring you are preparing them adequately along the way.

Encouraging your child to do the things they can do for themselves is one step i.e. smaller children need a lot of assistance from adults to reach things and get things for them, so when it is something your child can get for themselves encourage them to do so, be it getting a cup from the counter, the cheese from the fridge or a book from a low shelf.  Praise their efforts when they do so.  Similarly, it is always advisable to encourage your children to problem solve from a very young age as this facilitates confidence and independent thinking.  When your child is struggling with something and asks you to do it or fix it or answer it for them, stop and encourage them to think of a way that they can work this out themselves, depending on age suggest they write a pros & cons list or draw a picture of the choices they have and see which one they think is best for them.  Children should be encouraged to make decisions from a young age from which outfit or shoes to wear, to chicken or fish for dinner, to choosing which story book they want before bed.

The balance here is between choices and consequences...anticipate the inevitable "you're not the boss of me" stand off by preparing your response in a calm manner, you might reply "You are correct, you are the boss of you and you get to choose how you behave but I am the boss of what happens when you choose to behave well or to misbehave.  So you can choose what to do and I will choose the consequence".  This is double edged in that you are allowing and encouraging independence while holding the parental boundary that all choices have consequences.

If you can make choices, decision making and a gradual independence a part of your child's upbringing they will be better prepared to manage and keep themselves safe when they are independent.  This is a normal part of your child's journey to adulthood, children must get to try out new things and take risks...with your guidance and support.  You are the expert on your child and nobody knows your child better than you do so trust your instinct and if you believe that your child is ready to walk to the shop or to a friends house on their own then you can allow this, give them a time to be back by or an instruction to call when they have arrived safely to reassure yourself if this helps.

Teenagers and the now named Tweenage group of 11/12 years onwards will push you to give them more and more freedom and again this is normal.  If you are not happy to give as much independence as they are seeking try a compromise as opposed to a "no".  If your 12 year old wants to go into the city centre shopping with her friends alone and you don't believe this is appropriate suggest you drive her and her friends to a shopping centre where they can have an hour to walk around the shops before meeting you at a cafe for lunch.  This tells your child that you trust them to shop alone but are holding the boundary on how much time and where this happens.  Children must be allowed to make mistakes, it helps them to learn and make more informed decisions as well as continuing to shape the brains development.  Trust in the job you have done in raising your children, if you have had clear and consistent family rules at home while your child was growing up they will know what is expected of them and behave accordingly.  If they mess up, there should be a consequence and then let it go so that they can do better next time.

Sometimes it's best to be honest with your child "I know you think I'm over-protective and mean for not allowing you to do this but it is my job to keep you safe and I take this very seriously because I love you.  I want to compromise with you so instead of you going to the cinema alone why don't you invite your friends over here for DVD's and take-out on Friday night"...and perhaps if appropriate "We/I will be out for an hour so you will have some time for yourselves before we get back".  This is all about striking a balance and reassuring your child that you do trust and love them, in fact this is why it is difficult for you to let go!  This is a learning curve for both you and your child, it is trial and error so expect some teething problems and mistakes...learn from them and move on, don't hang onto the mistakes your child makes and keep waving them at them in the future, "remember you did this three months ago well that's why you can't go now!" is not helpful and will limit your child's development.

Essentially, independence is a process that starts in young childhood and continues into young adulthood and beyond.  Create as many safe and controlled opportunities for your child to develop their sense of independence as you can from a young age and gradually increase these as they get older and more responsible.  It can be hard as a parent to accept that your child is growing up and pulling away from you, reflect on how much of your reluctance to give more independence is down to your child and how much is down to your own anxiety.

Remember your child should want to be independent, you should find this a challenge at times, you should both be open to taking (controlled) risks at this time...it may be a cause for concern if your child refuses to separate or become independent from you.

If this is a big issue and difficult for you to manage, seek support and/or counselling from a professional who can assist you in processing and negotiating through this.

You can find out more about our work on www.solamh.com or by calling 01-6976568

Discipline...to punish or to teach!?

The question of discipline, what it is, what the purpose of it is, what the best methods are etc is something I am frequently asked about and my answer is always the same: Discipline is about teaching not punishing and not coercing...and it must be consistent and logical!


When I say that discipline is not about punishment, it may be appropriate that punishment be a part of the discipline in which case it should quickly/immediately follow the misbehaviour and be brief and respectful of your child's feelings and stage of development and it is very important to reconnect with your child in a positive way soon afterwards.  However, the main purpose of discipline should always be to teach your child a lesson and not just to punish the misbehaviour!  If you take this approach then you should ask yourself "what am I teaching my child in this discipline", be it time out, grounding or losing privileges or something else.  Be clear about the message you are teaching and ensure your discipline measure fits this agenda.

Assess your child's ability to self discipline before deciding on the discipline measure as this will help you to understand your child's developmental level and where the misbehaviour fits so that you can respond appropriately.  A child under 2 years of age will show a lack of boundaries and will require consistent and repeated reminding of what is appropriate and what is not, consistency is vital here.  Of course, sometimes an older child will also display a lack of boundaries and act out so you must decide whether your child knows if there is a boundary and has crossed it on purpose, you will need to bring the child back and reaffirm the boundary, they are testing your limits.  Perhaps your child knows that there is a boundary and cheekily smiles while they break the rules/boundary; the message here is that they need you to step in and hold the boundary without getting angry at them.  This may look like defiant behaviour but it is not, your child is displaying a need and a sense of inner turmoil in that they know they are breaking a rule and want you to see them do it.  Try to proactively deal with this one in terms of stopping and saying "It makes me so happy when you show me and everyone else what a great friend you are when you play nicely with other children" and give them a high five and do this before you take them into a birthday party where you know they have a tendency to get over stimulated and act out, fighting with other children.

Communicating clear and consistent boundaries takes away uncertainty for your child, an indecisive and ambivalent approach to discipline by adults is obvious to a child and they cannot learn what is expected of them in terms of behaviour.  If your boundaries are consistent and developmentally appropriate for your child with a focus on teaching as opposed to punishing, your child will begin to develop an internal system of self discipline, which allows them to develop the capacity to shape and manage their own behaviour including making good and positive decisions.

We all know that if you enter into a battle of wills with a small child, you will lose and as such you must lean to pick your battles based on the environment you find yourself in and save serious discipline for serious transgressions...don't sweat the small stuff.  If your child starts to throw a temper tantrum because they cannot have sweets in the supermarket and they begin to screech and howl you have two options; one is to abandon your trolley and leave the supermarket to deal with the situation OR try to distract your child by giving them a job to do such as "can you try to find me where the baked beans are on this aisle and bring me 2 tins please" and so on so that your child is part of the shopping exercise and not getting bored and therefore acting out.  In the future you can plan ahead for this by designing a special shopping list with items for your child to be in charge of getting for you and they get a pencil to tick them off as they are done.  The supermarket is not the time or place for consistent discipline so you must creatively plan around such moments where you can.

I also recommend the Choices and Consequences model for discipline.  We all know the "You're not the boss of me" stand off so here's a suggestion, try saying "you're right, I'm not the boss of what you choose to do but I am the boss of what happens when you do it!  You can choose to behave nicely like I know you can and I decide that you get a high five for that OR you can choose to break the rules and behave badly and I will decide that you cannot use your computer game this afternoon, but you're in charge of what you do so it's up to you!"  This teaches your child that ultimately they have control over their own behaviour but that you will make sure that the boundary is consistent, which is reassuring in itself.

I would like to mention a little about children who are emotionally injured such as adopted and/or fostered children and children living in residential care environments because there are some different considerations in disciplining this group of children.  Children from emotionally disrupted backgrounds are often coming into your family from a place that may have had dramatically different standards of what was acceptable behaviours as well as a different standard as to what constituted discipline.  Children with this type of background may also have a delay in their ability to control impulse behaviours and a low frustration tolerance and these must be factored into any discipline measures.

Remember, a child who needs attention will get it even if it is with negative behaviour, there is a secondary gain in the attention and the intensity of emotions surrounding discipline and punishment.  Discipline, especially with a focus on punishment delivered with anger or disapproval can effect the child's basic sense of security and parent constancy...even after a lengthy time with their new family children from these backgrounds may have a reduced sense of parent constancy (this is where a child believes that their parent(s) still love them no matter what has happened).  It is of vital importance that after correcting the misbehaviour that you reconnect positively with your child "I don't like this behaviour but I will always love you no matter what you do.  It makes me really happy when you behave well and show us your listening/playful/happy part", here you have named the behaviour and not the child as the cause of anger and assured them you still love them and left them with a positive message of what they can choose to do differently to get a different response.

When a child is in a heightened state of anxiety/anger and is aroused by fear or anxiety you cannot reach them with words, they cannot receive cognitive information at these times so when you find yourself exasperated and yelling "Did you hear what I said?" the answer is NO because they cannot hear you while in that hyper aroused state.  You must find a way to de-escalate the behaviour and allow your child to calm down before trying to reason with them around the behaviour.  Try to avoid asking things like "Why did you do that?" because they won't be able to explain it to you as they often will not understand it themselves, try instead "I think you kicked the table over because you were feeling upset about....I'm glad you could show me how you were feeling but I want to help you find a way to show your feelings that won't hurt you or anybody else."  And you might try something like the Balloon Technique that I use a lot in my clinic.

The Balloon Technique: Invite your child to write or draw the thing that is causing them upset/anxiety and then they can roll it up and push it inside a deflated balloon.  You help them to blow up the balloon that now contains the thing they are so angry/upset about and tie a knot.  On a windy day go outside with them and let them release the balloon and their feeling so that they let it go and it flies away.  If it's not windy they can still go outside with you and while thinking of the thing they put inside the balloon they can burst it with a pin so that the feeling 'explodes' and is released (just remember to go back and pick up the paper and burst balloon so nobody else sees it).  This is just one example but there are lots of variations and similar techniques that can offer your child alternative ways to express how they feel.  All feelings are normal to have, it's what we do with them that we want to work on.

In summary, when it comes to discipline:

• Be aware of your child's developmental stage and ensure your discipline is age and developmentally appropriate
• Make consequences logical - they must be able to understand i.e. a child who breaks their toys in temper sees those toys go into the bin and they are not replaced with new ones because the consequence of breaking your toys is that they are gone and cannot be played with anymore.
• When possible, make the consequences funny and surprising i.e. when your children are fighting with each other, separate them and tell them they have to each make the other a card showing/telling 3 things they really like about their sibling and then give it to each other while explaining what they wrote/drew.  This teaches them what they have in common and brings the focus onto what they like about each other as opposed to what they were fighting over.  Similarly if your children are arguing over the TV/Computer game/Toys give them the task of designing a rota for who gets to choose what they do or who has a turn at what time so they are in charge of the problem and of finding a solution.
• Shine the spotlight on the positive behaviours rather than the negative, give greater intensity to naming and celebrating what your child does right instead of what they do wrong
• Be consistent, if you threaten a consequence you MUST follow through on it so ensure you are happy to do so before you threaten it.
• Give choices where possible as it makes children feel powerful and teaches them decision making skills i.e. You are coming outside to play so would you like to bring your ball or your tennis rackets with you.
• Discipline should 'teach' and shape behaviours that you would like to see in the future and not focus on what has gone wrong in the past, for example practice the correct behaviour straight away by offering a "Do-Over' where the child has the option to correct what they did straight away and be praised for that behaviour instead of punished for the misbehaviour.  "Oops, you forgot to say please when you asked for that snack, try a do-over" and when they ask again saying please, compliment them "that was great, it makes me very happy when you remember to say please and here is your snack".
• Use "I" instead of "you" when reflecting on the misbehaviour e.g. "I was angry when you threw your toy across the room at your sister.  I hope that you can make a better choice the next time, I know you can play with your sister by sharing your toys with her and I feel so happy when you show me that".  "You were naughty when you threw your toy" is blaming and doesn't teach the correction.

Plan and prepare your discipline strategies ahead of time; learn to spot triggers and plan creatively around such events ahead of time to avoid the misbehaviour.  Use as much positive language as you can "three strikes and you're out" is negative enforcement whereas "you can do this differently" "I believe that you know what to do here" "I think you forgot how to behave properly, would you like a do-over?" are all positive focused.  The aim of discipline is to teach and model for your child how they can internalise the boundaries you have put and held in place, because when boundaries are internalised children feel safe and secure and know that they can protect and control themselves!

Consistent and logical discipline is essential in teaching your child this self control.  Ultimately the purpose of discipline is to teach your child to control themselves in a variety of environments and circumstances.  Take the time to reflect on and develop discipline strategies that work for you and your family.

Solamh Parent Child Relationship Clinic offers therapeutic support to children and families around a variety of behavioural and emotional challenges and you can read more on www.solamh.com or calling us on 01-6976568

Beauty Salons for children...child's play or premature sexualisation!?

The Independent carries a story today about a Beauty Salon in Essex UK that is specifically for the Under 13 year old market and there has been quite a reaction to it so far http://ind.pn/kDNaqH

Now I'm going to be very clear on my position on this one...I do NOT approve of bringing young children to a Beauty Salon to have Manicure/Pedicures/Facials/Spray Tans or any other beauty treatment (for an extra cost this salon will also provide your child with a photographer to follow them around...so is fame now also an entitlement that is closely alligned with beauty and nothing to do with achievement!?!?!).

I've heard both sides of the arguments about how it's just child's play and children play Mummy's and Daddy's and other adult roles involving hair and make-up all the time, that it is good for them.  Yes this is true and this is good for them, however, a child role playing the roles they see their parents doing and using their imaginations to enact the experience as they see and understand it is quite separate to the experience of being brought to a salon where a professional is attending to their grooming as though they actually were adults...this is not a subtle difference, this is in fact a screamingly obvious difference!

Children are growing up in an increasingly image obsessed society where the onus is on how you look as opposed to what you do.  Parents should be focused on empowering their children to feel beautiful from the inside and to behave and act in a beautiful way towards themselves and others...this is enough "beauty" for any child to be concerned with.  Beauty Salons are an adult experience and we should not tolerate attempts to force our children to lose their already too short and too precious childhoods.

I fully accept (& have witnessed) how little girls and boys are fascinated with watching their mothers engage in their beauty regime, apply make-up, paint their nails.  This should not be confused with a fascination with beauty and make-up alone, this is a child's fascination with watching their Mother's and idealising their Mother's routines...this fascination is as much about the child's preoccupation with their Mum's as it is about any preoccupation with Make-Up.  To introduce your child to a salon of this kind at such a young age is to expose and immerse them in an adult world at a premature stage, it takes away any aspect of creativity and imagination that is fundamental to this kind of role play and Role Play is an essential stage of any child's Developmental Play experience.

NOTE: See my Blog on the 3 Stages of Developmental Play - EPR

All children,not just little girls, need to engage in fantasy and role play, they must be allowed to use their imaginations to express how they are experiencing their world and the people in their world, this is fundamental to their growth and development.

So, it's a yes to dressing up in Mum's high heels and dressing gown while role playing being an adult and it is a very big NO to eliminating imagination and actually having your child experience life as an adult prematurely.  Parents must trust their own instincts on this and not allow the normalisation of such practices in society to make us feel like prudes when we tell our children that they are too young for a Manicure!

You can find out more about Solamh - Parent Child Relationship Clinic and the work we do on www.solamh.com